Jesus H. West

Things We've Learned from Kanye West:

1. Jesus is a fan-whore. He will do anything for attention.

2. Living in the days of yore like Jesus was much like living in da hood.

3. Jesus IS a black man.

4. Jesus traded in his Swatch watch for a Rolly Bling when he went platinum.

5. Jesus ain't no broke n*ggah.

6. Jesus doesn't mind if you drop out of college.

7. Jesus hates President W.

8. While Jesus wouldn't date a gold diggah, he thinks they're pretty darn fly.

9. God-fearing black rapper plus Ego-maniac Oscar winner equals chart-topping hit single.

10. Ain't no one gonna bring Jesus down.

D.A.M.A.S.T.A.

Como?!

In high school I made it to Honors Spanish II and graduated with Hispanic Honors Society ribbons.

At the University of Texas, I tested out of 5 hours of Spanish courses with a 4.0, and during my three years there, took 6 semesters of Spanish courses and almost studied abroad.

At the University of Houston, I took one Conversational Spanish course where we had to stand in front of the classroom everyday and give a three to five minute speech all in Spanish and I freaked out and dropped the class.

I'm not fluent in Spanish. And if I don't know a word, I make one up.

13 cosas que te gustan:

1. Mac and Cheese
2. Blogging
3. My fuzzy shoes that look like slippers
4. Boys
5. Driving fast
6. Text messaging
7. Picture messaging
8. Winning money
9. Raises
10. The beach
11. Getting presents on days that aren't my birthdays.
12. New office supplies
13. Getting wet
    

12 películas buenas:

1. Pretty Woman
2. So I Married An Axe Murderer
3. Chicago
4. The Wedding Planner
5. Moulin Rouge
6. A League of Her Own
7. The Godfather [Parts One thru Twenty]
8. Star Wars [Parts One thru Thirty-Two]
9. Office Space
10. The Audition [Korean horror film]
11. The Little Mermaid
12. Fun with Dick and Jane
    

11 buenas bandas musicales/cantantes:

1. Black Eyed Peas
2. NSYNC
3. Barenaked Ladies
4. The Pulp Fiction Soundtrack
5. The 50 First Dates Soundtrack
6. Gipsy Kings
7. Billie Holiday
8. Norah Jones
9. Brooks and Dunn
10. Marshall Mathers
11. Bowling for Soup
    

10 curiosidades sobre ti, físicamente:

1. All my curls don't curl the same way
2. I have really short eyelashes
3. I look like a hoodrat and/or Gwen Stefani when I wear dark red lipstick
4. Once I got a perm and I think my hair exploded
5. My left foot is bigger than my right foot
6. Most Mexican girls are hairy on their arms, but I'm not
7. I'm not coordinated enough to blow dry my own hair straight
8. I lose my balance all the time
9. My eyes are very small, some say beady
10. I can touch my chin with my tongue
    
    

9 cosas que te molestan:

1. Stoopid people
2. Grilled salmon
3. Celebrities who think they can ice skate
4. The stoopid medical supply company who sold Tom Cruise an ultrasound machine
5. Evil spawn
6. Camping [well, I don't particularly care for the outdoors in general]
7. The Houston Texans
8. David Hasselhoff groupies [sorry, Mr. Shife]
9. Colonoscopies
   

8 comidas o bebidas favoritas:

1. Burrito Supremes
2. Chicken Ceasar Salads
3. Diet Dr Pepper
4. Peppermint Patties
5. Cute Boys
6. Cream Gravy
7. Smashed Potatoes covered in #6
8. Candy Corn
   
   

7 cosas que vayas a donde vayas, siempre llevas contigo:

1. My celly
2. My rolly bling
3. My regular bling
4. My cash-ola
5. My purse-o-crap
6. My rings
7. My sharp tongue
   
   

6 tipos de música que particularmente te gusten:

1. Salsa
2. Jazz
3. Pop [like Mr. JT]
4. Rock
5. Christmas Songs
6. 80s
   
   

5 tipos de musica que particularmente te desagradan:

1. Oldies Rock [gross]
2. Showtunes [they are gay. not that there's anything wrong with that.]
3. Humming [if you don't know the words, Shut The Fuck Up]
4. Gangsta Rap
5. Kenny G [even though I still have a cd of his]
   
   

4 programas de tv que ves actualmente:

1. Dancing with Celebrites
2. Beauty and the Geek
3. Friends
4. Gray's Anatomy
   
   

3 famosos por los que podrías enloquecer:

[Ok, this one stumped me. It either means 3 celebrities that make you crazy [in a bad way], or 3 celebrities that make you crazy [in a good way]. So, I choose IN A BAD WAY.]

1. Tom Cruise and his friend Oprah
2. Christopher Walken
3. E.T.
   
   

2 substances that you consume at the moment:

[huh? why is this one in English? whatever.]

1. Diet Dr Pepper
2. M&Ms [oops]
   

1 secreto que quieras confesar:

1. I heart one of my blog readers.

We Met**

She didn't know me and I didn't know her, but she had been there before.

Of course, so had I.

I held her in my palm and asked, "What is your name?"

"Chibby Chibberson", she answered, "Where are we going?"

"You are home, " I said.

"Much better, " she replied, and sat down on the bed.

"Don't chew up my sheets, " I warned her.

"I can't help it," she replied, "I'm a rat."

"Well, then don't go putting teeth marks on my cell phone, " I warned.

"I can't help it, " she explained, "I'm a rat."

"Please, oh, please Chibby... don't lick me, or sit near me, or miss me when I'm gone, " I pleaded.

She slowly blinked her tiny eyes, and sighed, "I can't help it", she told me, "I'm your friend."

She continued, "I have just met you, and I already know you. You carried me here, and I will never need to be rescued again. I cannot show enough appreciation to you for the life you are about to give me. You are my friend, and I cannot help but love you."

**This story is dedicated to Snavylyn. We all miss you and love you dearly.**

Half Nekkid Thursday: Lacey Dreams

I don't like to dress in lace.

It seems pretentious and vain.

And that's why I do it anyways.

Wanna get half nekkid with me? Go see this guy. He put me up to it.

Say WhAAAAAAAAt!?

[context: It's the end of the Winter Holidays, and my 16 yr old sister is expressing her dismay about going back to school for the second semester.]

Krazy K [sighs]: Ugh... I don't wanna go back to school. School is for stoopid people.
DaMasta [matter-of-factly]: Then you should fit right in.

[context: The Benefits Dept and I are discussing the nationality of Angelina Jolie.]

Benefits Manager [not a Mexican]: She looks Mexican.
[Benefits Chick and I look at each other and smile.]
Benefits Chick [laughs]: I would know if she was Mexican.
DaMasta [chimes in]: Yeah, we can tell... we know our own people...

[context: I'm wearing a velvety shirt today.]

Building Manager [accidentally brushes up against me]: Oooh, you feel like peaches.

Eye Wander

I am soo sleepy this morning from all the fun I had over the weekend that I just wanna go home and sleep and wake up at 4pm and watch Oprah. I know I said I was afraid of Oprah, but I figure since she's in the tv box, and I'm in the "real world", she can't get me and make me read one of her books on her book club. [Again, that is.]

Sometimes I wonder.

How do people forget to close their gas caps on their cars? How is it that you OPEN the gas cap, pump gas, TURN AROUND to put the gas pumper thingy back on the hook, and then DON'T TURN AROUND and CLOSE YOUR FUCKING GAS CAP?? It's like not wiping your ass in the restroom. Ok, it's not like that at all, but it should be that important to you.

Am I really as evil as my parents? Sure, I steal and cheat and lie on occasion, but other than that I'm a pretty decent person. I'm always trusting of people, I would do anything to help a friend in need, I'd give you my last cheesestick, I'd pay for your gas till Payday, I'd even buy you a hooker if you lost your job. What's the damn dilly-o with my parents? They are evil. Pure evil, I tell you.

Why does everyfuckingthing I put on in the morning have to smell like something different? My shampoo and conditioner smell like botanicals [whatever those are], my deodorant smells like powder, my body wash smells like warm vanilla sugar, my mousse [yes, I still use mousse, trust me it'd be scarier if I didn't] smells like citrus, my hair spray smells like flowers and leaves, my lotion smells like suntan lotion [but it's not], and my perfume smells like Armani Sensi.

I want a sugar daddy. Is that so much to ask? What does it take to nab a sugar daddy? Does anyone know? Do I really have to look like a hooker in order for someone to want to support me till death do I part? I try to go for older men, but most of them are poorer than I am. And a lot of good that does me.

For some reason, it really bothers me when people say, "Oh, that shirt is soo pretty!" or "Those shoes are cute!" What the fuck does everything else I wear look like? Shit?

Weekend Recap

Today's Cafeteria Menu:
Fajita Taco Salad
Frijoles a la charra
Spanish Rice

I know it's not just me. I know it's strange that Texans consume more Mexican food than any other states combined. I know it. I just know it.

On Friday, I met up with Shifty [this chick that works in our Benefits Dept], Shifty's friend Emma, and Jacopo [read his blog here] at Dave and Busters! If you've never been to a Dave and Busters, it's like an adult Chuck E. Cheese minus kids and plus alcohol. They have a restaurant in the back, pool tables, and a game room with a huge ass bar in the middle. The games give you tickets and you buy shit with the tickets in the prize room. So, with an open tab at the bar, and $30 bucks loaded onto a Powercard [Dave and Buster currency], we headed into the game room to test our skills at mindless money-sucking games, air hockey, and skeeball. Well, I ended up having the most tickets out of everyone, and most of them came from the mindless games [go figure]. I lost at air hockey to Shifty's friend Emma. [Although, I did score the most points. How, you ask? Well, I accidentally scored three goals on myself.] And while I did suck at skeeball, I did beat Shifty [who said skeeball was her all-time favorite game]. Overall, I think everyone had fun!

--------------------------------
Here's Shifty showing us how to tie a cherry stem into a knot. I don't care what you say, I can't tie a cherry stem into a knot to save my life, but I'm a fucking damn good kisser.














---------------------------

And here's Jacopo messing around in the prize room at Dave and Busters.

---------------------------

On Saturday night, it was Shifty's birthday so I headed to Jillian's [ex-fucking-actly like Dave and Busters] to meet up with Shifty again and this time The Cuz [my cousin that works with us] came, too. Shifty was hell-bent on winning this gi-normous stuffed frog [why?], so she spent aboot $50 bucks just winning tickets so that she could get enough to "win" the frog [sucka].

Afterwards, The Cuz and I decided to go to a new casino in Lousiana called the L'auberge du Lac Hotel and Casino. [Yeah, I know... last minute decision, right?] It was only three hours away and we left Houston at 9:30 pm, got there at 12:30 am, stayed there till 5:00 am and got back to Houston at 8:00 am on Sunday morning. [And, holy fuck am I tired this morning.]

I invited Shifty to go with us. Ya know, fun and gambling for her birthday. But she said, "Oh, well, I shouldn't gamble. I never win anything!" I said, "Girl, you got the wrong idea about gambling. It's not about winning. It's about not losing too much money." But she wasn't convinced, and she didn't go with us. And boy, did she miss out on some good-ole-fashion-gamblin-away-your-rent-money-while-you're-high-and-drunk-and-waay-too-damn-sleepy-to-be-drivin-to-Lousiana-in-the-middle-of-the-night fun.

Once we got there, we settled into a couple of nickel slot machines and with the first $10 bucks I played, I won $65 bucks! I played with that $65 bucks the whole time and on the last slot machine, I won $75! So, I did what any sensible 26 year old would do at the end of a profitable night at a new casino -- I cashed out and blew all my winnings in the gift shop.

Here's the fountain at the entrance to the casino.

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So that's what I did this weekend... What did you do?

[Was it as fun as mine? No. Are you still gonna put it in the comments? Yes.]

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The Nine Layers of My Onion

So, I stole this shit from Spinning Girl again. Damn, she always has fun new ways for me to tag my own ass. And I just couldn't wait till Monday, so here it is.

People are like bloomin' onions with so many layers just waiting to be uncovered. Or something like that. Here are my layers.

---------------------------------------

Layer One

Name: DaMasta [of DaUniverse]
Birthdate: December 27, 1979
Birthplace: St. Joseph's Hospital, Downtown Houston
Current Location: Houston, Texas
Eye Color: Brown
Hair Color: Brown, with natural auburn highlights
Righty or Lefty: Righty tighty
Sun Sign: Crapricorn
Innie or Outtie: Innie. Ew, they still make outties?

Layer Two

Your heritage: Most part Mexican, One Part American Indian, One Part French [well... that's what my grandma says, but who knows... she's a little crazy], One Part Spanish, One Part Tequila. Stir gently.
The shoes you wore today: Black heels. What else?
Your hair: A little past my shoulders, and curly as hell.
Your eyes: Two?
Your weakness: Men. Older men. Older men with five o'clock shadow. Older men with five o'clock shadow that have enough money to support me and/or like to cook.
Your fears: Never getting married, dying in a car crash, marriage, carnivals, showing up in public without pants on, never being famous, being too famous, Tom Cruise, Oprah, James Frey's crackwhore girlfriend.
Your perfect pizza: Snasauge, jalapenos, and black olives.
One thing you'd like to achieve: Marrying a rich dude.

Layer Three

Your most overused phrase: What a hoeflake!
Your first waking thoughts: Need... more... sleep...
The first features you notice in the opposite sex: Hair do, smile, wallet.
Your best physical feature: Do you really need to ask? My rack.
Your bedtime: Whenever I fall asleep and/or pass out from the drugs.
Your greatest fear: Accidentally forgetting to breathe when I'm sleeping.
Your greatest accomplishment: Finding/keeping this job.
Your most missed memory: Most of my childhood. I have a bad long term memory.

Layer Four

Single or group dates: Group? I'm not that kind of girl.
Adidas or Nike: I don't own tennis shoes.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Diet Dr. Pepper
Chocolate or vanilla: Cookies 'n' Creme
Cappuccino or coffee: Hot chocolate with marshmallows.

Layer Five

Smoke: I smoke sometimes. Sometimes when I buy a pack. But I haven't in about two weeks.
Cuss: Are you fucking kidding me? Shit, I cuss like a mother fucking sailor.
Sing: and dance in my car, in my bedroom, and in front of the tv.
Take a shower everyday: Why yes, yes I do. I wouldn't lay down in that bath tub. Oh, no way.
Have a crush: Not at the moment.
Been in love: I thought so, but I'm not married, so I guess.. no.
Went to college: Bunches of times. Almost majored in Microbiology, Finance, and Corporate Communications. Got bored. So, now, I'm only kinda smart about a lot of different things.
Liked high school: I liked the making out with boys part. Seriously, though, I graduated top ten percent of my class with a 4.64. So either I liked school, or it really came easy for me.
Want to get married: Um, I'm not entirely sure. I'll get back with you on that one. But don't call us, we'll call you.
Believe in yourself: I believe I exist. Was that the question?
Type with your fingers on the right keys: Oh, yeah. I'm an expert at this typing shit. I type 72 words per minute. Fast, huh? When you walk by my desk, all you hear is, click clack clickity click clack cloo.
Think you're attractive: I'm not more than you can handle, just more than you're used to.
Think you're a health freak: Pfft. As if.
Get along with your parents: Only when they're not talking directly at me.
Play an instrument: Clarinet, the steering wheel drums, and air harmonica.

Layer Six
In the past month, did you...

Drink alcohol: Jack and diet Coke. No carbs.
Smoke: Smoke what? Yes and yes.
Do a drug: I thought that's what you meant by smoke.
Make Out: Nope. Not even once.
Go on a date: Yeah, he was a prude. That's why no making out.
Eat an entire box of Oreos: God no.
Eat sushi: If I wanted raw fish, I would have stuck my head in the ocean.
Been on stage: A girl can only dream.
Been dumped: Nope. Well, I guess if you don't count the time he wouldn't make out with me.
Gone skating: Watched skating with Celebrities last night. Stoopid ass celebrities.
Made homemade cookies: God no.
Fall in love: Fell out of love.
Go skinny dipping: No. Why? Were you watching?
Dyed your hair: Nope. Damn... am I really this boring?
Stolen anything: Ah... finally... a YES. And when I steal shit, I say to my accomplice, "That shit was $ free.99!"

Layer Seven
Have you ever...

Played a game that required removal of clothing: Like a sex game? You know it.
If so, was it mixed company: It better well have been.
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Yesterday.
Been caught doing something: Yes. By my parent. It was as horrific as it sounds.
Been called a tease: Been called worse.
Gotten beaten up: Fuck no. Do you know who I be?
Shoplifted: Didn't I already answer this question? Who wrote this shit?
If so, did you get caught: Nope. I'm good.
Changed who you were to fit in: Nope, I've always lied, cheated and stolen to get where I am today.

Layer Eight

Age you hope to be married: Anytime before I'm 82.
Numbers and Names of Children: That I've given a wedgie to? Oh geezus... this could take a while...
Describe your Dream Wedding: Drive-thru chapel in Vegas.
How do you want to die: What? I have to die? Why, God, why?
What do you want to be when you grow up: Taller.
What countr(ies) would you most like to visit: Spain, to find my real family.

Layer Nine
[Phew. We're almost done.]

Number of men I have kissed: One.
Number of boyfriends you've had: I can't count that high. [lol... I said high... ]
Number of drugs taken illegally: I do a little experiementing.
Number of people I could trust with my life: The Cuz, The Ex, and my dad.
Number of CDs that I own: 28
Number of piercings: 3 in my left ear, 3 in my right ear, 1 in my tongue.
Number of tattoos: Just the one care bear on my left ass cheek.
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: Too many to count.
Number of scars on my body: One on my knee [stop thinking like that, you perv], one on my hand, one chicken pok scar on my left eyebrow.
Number of things in my past that I regret: No, seriously, I don't call them regrets. I just call them wastes of my time.

Half Nekkid Thursday: Sleepwear

I like to wear tank tops to bed.

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Wanna get half nekkid with me? Click here.

True Life: I Am A Bachelor [ette]

So yeah, I'm single in Houston. I live alone, and I find household chores [cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, putting the roll of toilet paper on the dispenser] very tedious.

Exhibit A: My fridge.

Let's see, right away I notice a tupperware container of mac and cheese. Since I've been on the no-carb diet for a little over a month now, I can only imagine how old that dish is. Bleh. Make me cringe when I think about getting around to cleaning it out.

I also see a couple of staple beverages. One is low carb coffee. Another is Smirnoff Ice. Yeah, that's about as old as the mac and cheese, since I can't drink it anyways cause it's chock full o' carbs.


There's mystery meat in the white tupperware container. I usually just throw out the tupperware containers rather than clean them. And no, they aren't the disposable kind.

Also, I see old tortillas. Can't have carbs now, so yep they're over a month old.

Let's see what's in the side door of the fridge. Mayo that I left out last month, so I wouldn't touch that with a ten foot pole. And a can of beer that secret lover boy left the last time he was at the house. Haven't seen him in over five weeks, so yep, that's old too.

I think the only "good" things are the packages of string cheese laying there on the bottom of the door.

And, no, there's nothing in the drawers at the bottom.

Comments Are Back On

That's right. The comment feature is back on. Get your blog on.

Peace.

Globular Awards

So, yeah, I did it. So what? I watched the fucking awards. So sue me. I dare you.

Right off the bat, I think they are just showing Queen Latifa because it's MLK day.

Best Supporting Actress for TV - Sandra Oh [Grey's Anatomy]. Can I get a hell yeah?! I am soo glad someone is finally recognizing that show. Ok, it's only been on for what... a season or two. But still, it's farkin' funny as hell and it's one of my favorite shows and Sandra Oh cracks me the fark up. Love it. She got lost on the way up to the stage and started freakin out a bit in front of the mic, but whatever... How many of you have ever won a Golden Globe before? I rest my case.

By the way, who saw the Elvis movie? Which Elvis movie? Exactly.

And these damn dramatic mini-series are a good fuckin reason why I don't have HBO. Ok, so I can't afford cable and that's why I don't have HBO. Whatever, it still sucks my ass.

Best Actor for Comedy TV - Steve Carell [The Office]. OoOh Kelly Clarkson!! Who doesn't love Steve Carell? He made a great acceptance speech, too! He was reading off a piece of paper that supposedly had his acceptance speach written by his wife, and he read off something about ... thank you to the cast and crew of The Office, without which I wouldn't be here... and then he mumbled under his breath... um... I don't know about that, but whatever.

Weeds? What time does that show come on? A housewife selling dope? Cool.

Best TV Series for Comedy - Desperate Housewhores. Gag me. Is anyone still watching this wretched show? Stoopid.

Best Actor for Drama TV - Hugh Laurie [House, MD]. Yumm. I think he's hot. I like 'em old and moldy and English [apparently]. I was so relieved that he didn't limp in real life. And his acceptance speech was hi-larious also. Good times...good times.

Best TV Series for Drama - Lost. Ok, how many people are sick and fucking tired of this show? THEY ARE STILL LOST?!?! Holy fuck. They are still lost and still alive and still haven't figured out how to leave the Island. Great. Yeah, that's believable.

Best Everyfuckingthing - Brokeback Mountain. The cast of Will and Grace came out to introduce this movie or something or another.. and they said something like, "The key to a successful tv show is good writers, a great cast... oh yeah, and gay people." And then one of them said, "Yeah... come to think of it, the same rules apply for making a good cowboy movie..."

How much is George Clooney in love with himself? He's so full of it. I think he's gay. No, like, for real gay. Like Brokeback Mountain gay.

And if I see Jamie Fox one more time, I'm gonna barf. His ego's so big, it arrived in its own limo. He even started singing that stoopid ass song during an interview on the red carpet. Pfft. Your airplane movie sucked, remember?

Ok, Chris Rock said we only have to be nice to black people for two more hours. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Best Motion Picture for Musical - Walk The Line. I heart Joaquin Pheonix. Don't you?
:-t Look, it's Joaquin.

Ok, that's it. The Golden Globes in review. Goodnight, everybody, and thanks for watching.

A PT Cruiser Kinda Life

On my way into work the other day, I started taking snap shots of Pt Cruisers.

There were Pt Cruisers to the left of me.

There were Pt Cruisers to the right of me.

There were Pt Cruisers straight in front of me.

You know how hard it is to drive in the rain while taking pictures with a camera phone in both hands and steering with your knees?

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Four Truths and a Lie

Ahh... thanks to Spinning Girl for tagging my ass. It's hurts so good.

In this lovely meme, there's a twist. In each of the questions, it calls for four truths. I added a lie to make it interesting. Try to guess which is which.

Four jobs you've had in your life:

AMC Theater Supervisor
Phone Sex Operator
Enterprise Rent-A-Car Rental Dude
Nextel Manager
University of Texas Memorial Stadium Store Clerk

Four movies you could watch over and over:

Pretty Woman
The Fifth Element
So I Married An Axe Murderer
NYSNC: Live from Madison Square Garden [you wish I was lying about this one]
Gigli

Four places you've lived:

Inglewood, California
San Antonio, Texas
Cypress, Texas
Houston, Texas
Jester West dorms, University of Texas campus, Austin, Texas

Four TV shows you love to watch:

House, M.D.
Dancing with the Stars
Gilmore Girls
Stacked
Beauty and the Geek

Four places you've been on vacation:

Destin, FL
Neverneverland
Carlsbad, California
New Orleans, LA
Colorado Springs, CO

Four websites you visit daily:

The 5th
Spinning Girl
Crazy Sherri
Things That Make Me Gag
<----Everybody else on the left

Four of your favority foods [post no-carbs]:

Chicken Ceasar Salad at work
Chicken Ceaser Salad at Chili's
Chicken with cheese and broccoli at Chili's
Grilled Salmon
Broccoli and cheese soup at Chili's

Four places you'd rather be right now:

Under my desk
In my mattress
In his mattress
The sunny northeast**
Chili's

Four bloggers you are tagging:

Bsoholic
Logo/Ariella
Jinxy
Snavy

**Ok, aparently I don't know my northeast from my northwest. Never East Sour Worms. Ok, got it. This was supposed to be northwest. "Sunny" northwest. Like Washington, where so many of my loyal readers are from. Just a little joke, ha ha. But, I guess my lack of directional knowledge ruined it. Pfft.

Parting Is Such A Fucking Kick In the Ass

Have you ever said goodbye to someone you didn't want to say goodbye to? Ever said goodbye to someone and it felt like a thousand knives stabbing your heart all at once? Ever wanted someone so wrong for you that you started second-guessing your own moral values?

I said goodbye to Secret Lover Boy a few weeks ago. I know it's for the best. I just know it. He's a drug addict, a user, and an asshole. I knew he did drugs from the first time I met him. I quickly learned, however, that not only did he do drugs, he depended on them. Drugs were all that mattered to him.

We had agreed to be only friends. Friends with benefits, that is. His friendships were one-sided, though. I was always meeting him when he wanted to meet, where he wanted to meet. And he was never there when I needed him the most. He wasn't a friend. He was an excuse. He was my drug. He was my addiction.

I put up with his bullshit for a whole year. A year of high highs and low lows. It's hard to say goodbye to someone you spent so much time with. You spent so much time arguing with. Making up with. Making excuses for. Holding. Caring about. Loving, even. Even if the love was only in your head. Even if the love was only lust and sexual attraction.

I felt invested. I felt I had given up a year of looking for someone else, just to be alone most of the time with him. Alone, but with him. Giving up every moment I could just to be with him.

It's a sad story..blah, blah, blah. I did it to myself. I went against advice of very capable people. I did it to myself knowing that it would end this way and hoping that it wouldn't. Atleast now, it's over.

And I'll need all the strength in the world to keep myself from calling him. Again.

I Fell Off The Wagon

[Hey, lookie there.... a title. Cool.]

If you're looking for my HNT post, keep lookin'. Not there? Hmm. Musta not did one then, Einstein.


Last night, on my way home, I decided to get some grub. And I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, and I was especially sick and tired of eating soup. It tasted like paper anyways. Everything tasted like paper.

I figured if all food tasted like paper to me, then might as well have the best tasting paper I could find.

That's where Taco Bell comes in. Oh, how do I love thee... let me count the carbs..






$3.23, what a small price to pay for such an ass-load of carbs.










Oooh, yes. I was anxiously awaiting to discover what treats I had inside the bag. I could hardly contain myself. I was ready. I was ready to spice up my night.

So, I scooted my t.v. tray next to the couch and turned on Everyone Loves Raymond.

Am I the only one left who doesn't love Raymond?




Oh, glorious Cheesy Bean and Rice burrito. I could see the rice meshing with the beans meshing with the ... what the hell is that? ... um, I think it's secret sauce.







Open wide!

Tasted like cheesy paper with warm thick paper wrapped around
it. Darn this flu.

Total carbs: 1, 345, 751.009




With a belly full of carbs and Tylenol Pm, I settled down for a nice, long, carb-induced coma.

No, thank you, Taco Bell.







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Carnival of Death 2006

(also known as: The Day I Thought I Was Going To Die by Flying Off the Cheap Mexican Carnival Rides OR That Time I Got a Real Bad Flu/Chest Cold/Upper Respiratory Infection and Thought, in the end, It Would Have Been A Lot Less Painful If I Would Have Just Died By Flying Off the Cheap Mexican Carnival Rides)

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It looked harmless enough. Jolly half-witted Mexican immigrants froliking the flea-market-parking-lot-turned-carnival grounds, waiting in line to ride the [god-awfully dangerous] carnival rides that were supervised by white homeless men with snaggled and/or missing teeth.

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Rule One of "Side-of-the-freeway Carnivals": Don't ride the rides. The ride pictured above was the second ride The Cuz's son and I rode that night. Don't let the colorful lights and the stand still image deceive you, though. This thing twirls you up in the air, spins you around up and down, and practically launches you in the air, all while you're grabbing onto the sides hoping to God the small children seated near you can't see you crying.

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The "ride" pictured above was by far the funest/safest ride there. As I slid down onto the rough potato sack and clenched the sides, I prayed to God that gravity still existed. It did.

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The Cuz, the Cuz's son, and I all tried our luck throwing rings at glass bottles in hopes to win a larger than life sized stuffed Nemo. A hundred and fifty rings and fifteen bucks later, we decided that the water gun squirting race was more our speed. In honor of my blog-friend Mr. ThomCat, I put two bucks down on number 13. The carnival people, while [I'm sure] high on numberous illegal drugs, are not kind to picture takers. "Is it picture time or is it race time?!", snarled the attendant as I took the picture above. I thought it was time for him to have a big glass of STFU. [Ask Bs if you don't know what STFU stands for.]

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In the end, I won a stuffed animal rose [does that even make sense?] and as the cold air ascended into Houston, I realized that the next three days of my life were to be filled with sleepless nights, painful fevers, and a cough that could wake the dead.

I'm back at work now [although the last I heard from my boss is they might send me home], and I just have one thing to say after this whole carnival/flu ordeal: FUCK NYQUIL.

Today's Cafeteria Menu:
Lunch at Bennigan's with a lucky selected few from the office.

TODAY IS DIM HR CHICK'S LAST DAY AT THE OFFICE! W00T.

Here's a little piece of Stolen Shit that I got from Spinning Girl. Let's do dis shit. You know how we do.

[A is for age:]
26. But just barely. I want to live forever.

[B is for booze of choice]
Tequila shots. Or, if I'm feeling frisky, cute boys on the rocks.

[C is for career]
Slacker extraodinaire. I make a living doing absolutely nothing. And it pays pretty decent, too.

[D is for your dog's name:]
And by dog, you mean rat? Chibby.

[E is for essential items you use everyday:]
Underwears, Dim Hr Chicks, hairspray, lip gloss, foul language, and Vanilla Sugar body spray.

[F is for favourite song at the moment:]
Pour Some Sugar On Me by Def Leppard

[G is for favourite games:]
Monopoly, Tic tac toe, I spy, mind games, Naked Twister, and Poker [not naked twister AND naked poker, just naked twister and regular poker]

[H is for hometown:]
Houston, Tejas

[I is for instruments you play:]
Clarinet, air drums, and the strings on your heart.

[J is for jam or jelly you like]
Strawberry preserves and grape jam

[K is for kids?:]
And by kids, you mean spawn? Um, nothing yet, but I'll keep checking.

[L is for last kiss?:]
And by kiss you mean, ... uh, nevermind. I plea the 5th. [Hey, that's the name of my other blog.]

[M is for most admired trait:]
Oh, how to I love me? Let me count the ways: my curls, my bodacious boobs, my witty sense of humor, and my mouth. Geezus, did I mention my nice rack?

[N is for name of your crush:]
Hmmm... can't tell you ALL my secrets. Then what would my other blog be about? No, my other other blog. Oh, I've said too much.

[O is for overnight hospital stays:]
No spawn, no broken bones, no major car wrecks.

[P is for phobias:]
Big crowds in small, enclosed places; showing up for work with no pants on; climbing tall stairs [huh?]; teletubbies; never getting married.

[Q is for quotes you like:]
"Who are you, and why are you soooooooooo stupid?"
Krazy K, my 16 yr old sister.

[R is for biggest regret:]
I don't have regrets. It's, like, not my style.

[S is for sweets of your choice:]
Peppermint patties, candy corn, and kisses [real ones, not chocolate ones].

[T is for time you wake up:]
6:15 A.M., CST... and then I snooze 'till 6:29 A.M., CST.

[U is for underwear:]
Pink.

[V is for vegetable you love:]
Are smashed potatoes vegetables? Hmm... broccoli, green beans, and salads [salads are vegetables, right?].

[W is for worst habit:]
Only listening to people when they are talking about me.

[X is for x-rays you've had:]
Stomach [wait, that can't be right], right ankle, back.

[Y is for yummy food you make:]
And by make, you mean buy?
Brocoli soup at Chili's; Fajita taco salad at Gringo's; Steak border bowl at Taco Smell.

[Z is for zodiac sign:]
Crapricorn: "The Bitch", or so I've been told.

Today I woke up 45 minutes late.

Today I was 40 minutes late to work.

Today, I just wanted to stay in bed and never wake up.

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Wanna get half-nekkid with me?

Go here.

Today's Cafeteria Menu:
I have no fucking clue.
They stopped putting the menu on the web.
Someone needs to talk to those Mexicans.
Anyone speak Mexican?

Today is Office Supply Wednesday, y'all.

Duties I Perform Every Day [during the New Year] because I have no Actual Duties to Perform Every Day [during the New Year]:

1. Sift thru the jewelry in the Lost and Found to see if there’s anything good.

2. Say, “I saw you do that” to everyone who walks in while pointing to the security cameras on my desk.

3. Forget to water my poinsettia.

4. Decide which ornaments to steal off the company Christmas tree.

5. Ghost-write a memo asking the HR Director how the “layoffs” are going and blind carbon copy the whole corporate office.

6. Submit an expense request stating I need a refund for $1.40 every time the cafeteria Mexicans serve runny eggs.

7. Deny all accusations of blogging at work.

8. Take pictures of all the guys in Loss Prevention. Hey, they spy on me with THEIR cameras…

9. Play the movie Pulp Fiction on our plasma screens in the front lobby.

10. Tell all the vendors that come in today that I’m training to become a geisha.

Today's Cafeteria Menu:
BBQ Snasages
[that's all I can eat off the menu today]

Dieting update: I've lost an inch in my bust [sorry, male readers], and a piece of an inch in my waist. And this past weekend, I had to shop for new rings because my old ones were getting too big.

If it were Monday, it'd be Stolen Shit Monday. But it's not. It's Tuesday, and this time I actually got tagged. So, I guess today is Tag My Ass Tuesday.

I got tagged by Snav last year [lol...just a little New Year's humor], and I still can't believe she would want to know more weird things about me:

Here are the rules:

The first player of this game starts with the topic: five weird habits. People who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals. Don't forget to leave a comment in their blog or journal that says You Are Tagged (assuming they take comments) and tell them to read yours.

Ok, here goes nothing:

1. I have to sing and dance in my car. And I don’t care who’s looking at me or who’s riding with me. I live in Houston, people. The traffic here will make you crazy. But not me. Oh, no. I’ve got my radio on full blast and I’m dancing away.

2. I have to smell food before I eat it. I think I have food-gone-bad-aphobia. If milk smells weird, I toss it. Cheese, too. Anything that might be a little suspicious gets a sniff.

3. I have an unnatural attraction to cute guys who are oh-so wrong for me. This goes waaay back. Back to high school, probably. I love me some cute guys. But they always end up being those guys that are not-good-for-me-cause-maybe-they-grew-up-on-the-wrong-side-of-the-tracks-or-do-drugs-or-hang-out-with-the-wrong-crowd-or-doesn’t-want-to-make-a-commitment types.

4. I am so incredibly indecisive. This applies to everything! From changing my shampoo every time it runs out to trying to decide which movie to see to being afraid of commitment in a relationship to deciding which half nekkid photo to post on Thursdays. It annoys the shit out of people around me. It just make me giggle.

5. I yell at the T.V. like the people on there can hear me. I’m yellin’ at the umps. I’m yelling at the baby-daddies on Maury, I’m yellin’ at the crazies on Trading Spouses. I am easily entertained, and sometimes I just entertain myself.