Parting Is Such A Fucking Kick In the Ass

Have you ever said goodbye to someone you didn't want to say goodbye to? Ever said goodbye to someone and it felt like a thousand knives stabbing your heart all at once? Ever wanted someone so wrong for you that you started second-guessing your own moral values?

I said goodbye to Secret Lover Boy a few weeks ago. I know it's for the best. I just know it. He's a drug addict, a user, and an asshole. I knew he did drugs from the first time I met him. I quickly learned, however, that not only did he do drugs, he depended on them. Drugs were all that mattered to him.

We had agreed to be only friends. Friends with benefits, that is. His friendships were one-sided, though. I was always meeting him when he wanted to meet, where he wanted to meet. And he was never there when I needed him the most. He wasn't a friend. He was an excuse. He was my drug. He was my addiction.

I put up with his bullshit for a whole year. A year of high highs and low lows. It's hard to say goodbye to someone you spent so much time with. You spent so much time arguing with. Making up with. Making excuses for. Holding. Caring about. Loving, even. Even if the love was only in your head. Even if the love was only lust and sexual attraction.

I felt invested. I felt I had given up a year of looking for someone else, just to be alone most of the time with him. Alone, but with him. Giving up every moment I could just to be with him.

It's a sad story..blah, blah, blah. I did it to myself. I went against advice of very capable people. I did it to myself knowing that it would end this way and hoping that it wouldn't. Atleast now, it's over.

And I'll need all the strength in the world to keep myself from calling him. Again.