Today's Cafeteria Menu:
Grilled Salmon
Rice Pilaf
I just stopped reading after this.

Why the fuck are we having the same shit every two days? Hmmm... it might be Sonic special time: burger and tots.

This morning I got off to a rough start. First of all, I didn't set my alarm clock last night. Which probably wouldn't have made a difference since I didn't set my clocks back an hour. So, this morning I open my eyes and HOLY SHIT... it's light outside! I yell, "WHAT THE FUCK?!" and jump out of bed and look at the clock. OK. It's only ten till seven. But, I am supposed to leave the house at seven, so I rush to the bathroom. One quick glance at my hair and I know I absolutely cannot go without washing and styling my hair! I take a shower and wash my hair. I jump out (I don't even think I'm completely awake yet) and start getting dressed. I try on two outfits, decide on one, get dressed and style my hair. I rush to put my makeup on and run out the door at 7:12 am. Record time! I get in my car, and I'm out of gas. As soon as I leave my apartment complex, the gas gauge starts beeping to let me know I'm on empty. Ok, so I figure once I'm on empty, I actually still have about a half a gallon left in the car until it breaks down. 24 mpg, 12 miles to work... ok, I should make it. 12 miles and a very empty gas tank later, I arrive 15 mins late to work. I made it! Now, all I have to do is make it to a gas station after work!!

How was your morning?

How well do you know DaMasta?

Find out.

Top 5 Better Names for DJ Sexy
1. DJ Stooopid
2. DJ Dumbass
3. DJ Manwhore
4. DJ Wannabe
5. DJ Gonna-get-an-std-from-that-skank

Top 5 Better Names for Party Girl
1. Party Whore
2. Party Skank
3. Dirty Girl
4. Party Faker
5. Party Girl-whose-ass-I’m-gonna-kick-if-she-doesn't-learn-to-shut-the-fuck-up

Today’s Cafeteria Menu:
Chicken Fried Steak
Mashed Potatoes
Green Beans

Hopefully, they have another vegetable option because their limpy green beans do nothing for me.

*****UPDATE*****
My rings are on their way back to their Masta. Arrival time: approx 35 mins.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes stress gives way to insightful revelations. With everything going on these past two weeks here at work, I took some time off from my friends and family yesterday. I went home, relaxed, sat back and reflected on my life and what I’ve come to learn about myself in the past couple of months.

Here’s what I’ve come up with.

I just realized that I :

-always count my chickens before they hatch.
-cringe when people don’t wear socks with loafers.
-like re-watching sad movies even though they make me cry.
-would rather live somewhere cold than hot.
-hate store-bought birthday cakes.
-would rather roller skate than roller blade.
-drive the lowest-rated compact car based on long-term reliability
-have a combination of a high IQ and low common sense.
-hate all Texas football teams.
-would rather eat chicken fried steak than filet mignon.
-have 35 pairs of shoes but only 8 pairs of socks.
-say “sangwich” instead of “sandwich”.
-don’t remember anything from my two years of calculus.
-suck at painting, even though it bring me much joy.
-care way too much about other people’s feelings.
-see nothing wrong with cussing.
-am probably not as sexy as I think I am.

Today's Cafeteria Menu:
Fajitas
Spanish Rice
Frijoles a la Charra

It's Mexican Food Thursday again. I think I'll be going on strike from eating lunch with Party Whore and DJ Stoopid. But in keeping with the theme of Mexican food Thursday, I think I'll make a stop at Taco Bell before I head to the nearest mall for a dose of comfort shopping.


Things I’ve Learned While Being a Front Lobby Receptionist:

1. You must only flush two squares of 1-ply toilet paper at a time to avoid over-flowing the restroom.

2. It is better to leave a visitor rotting in the front lobby rather than admit to the person they are here to see that you forgot about them.

3. There is definitely something creepy about the guys in Loss Prevention.

4. Contrary to popular belief, if you park in the Handicap spaces, you will NOT be towed.

5. Dim-witted HR chick is a friend in deed when you need a shoulder to bitch on.

6. There is something irresistible about every single one of the men in the Real Estate department.

7. If I wear high heels with jeans on Friday, I get to eat with the “in” crowd during lunch.

8. The cafeteria has officially lost its thrill.

9. You can’t fool highly intellectual people by pretending you are smarter than you actually are.

10. You can beg all you want, but the HR directors will not hire men on good looks alone.

Things I Still Haven’t Figured Out:

1. Whose bright idea it was to save money by buying 1-ply toilet paper.

2. Whose bright idea it was to save money by not buying toilets that don’t constantly over-flow.

3. Why no one has thought to put sugar in grits to make them taste better.

4. Why I giggle at the sound corduroy pants make when you walk around in them.

5. How DJ Sexy hasn’t noticed that Party Girl looks hauntingly like Molly Ringwald.

6. Why nobody sees anything wrong with this sentence: “I drive a PT Cruiser.”

7. Why nobody wants to ride on my rollercoaster of love.

8. Why I'm the only person who thinks it's fair to call Party Girl a skank if she's going to call me a diva.

9. Why DJ Sexy thinks it’s endearing to talk about strippers at lunch.

10. Why nobody thinks it’s appropriate to clap when someone trips on the stairs.

This sox.

Today's Cafeteria Menu:
Chicken Caesar Salad

That's what I've been waiting for all week. A nice healthy salad. A big salad. The big salad [for those of you who watch Seinfeld]. Yesterday's lunch [like yesterday's Astros game] was a catastrophe. Fried chicken? With potatoes? And corn? My stomach is churning just thinking about it. *Blep* I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Let's talk a little today about curses. I never really used to believe in curses or fate or superstitions or any of that mumbo-jumbo out there until about a year ago. It was then that I bought my beloved rings. One is a James Avery Alpha-Omega ring and the other is a silver ring with interlocking circles. The rings don't symbolize anything in particular [well, to me, that is] and that's not the important part. The important part is, every time I wear them, I feel good. Like everything is going to work out. Everything will be alright. But even that's not the important part.

The important part is when I don't wear them. That's when things get interesting.

Two weekends ago, I accidentally left my rings at my cousin's house. She lives on the outskirts of Houston, and while still technically in the city, it's still a good 65 miles away from my house which hardly makes it convenient for me to drive there after work. And it was exactly last week when things here at work started going horribly wrong.

First, let's back up a little.
When I first met DJ Sexy, we talked and flirted and ate lunch together and things were going pretty smoothly. He turned out to be a horny little womanizer, so we decided to just be friends. Plus he still likes to go to clubs, and since the age of 22, I've grown out of the whole club scene.

Fast forward to three weeks ago.
Now, DJ Sexy and I eat lunch with Married IT guy and Party Girl. Married IT guy is funny, charming, an all around good guy. Party Girl is (and I say this in the most loving way) a closet freak. Sure, she's nice, a little dingy at times (and a complete fake), but nice. It bothers me to no end that she sits there and talks about going to raves and going to warehouse parties and dressing goth and listening to house and trance....AND THEN she swears on her life that she doesn't do drugs.... WTF?? And I know I might be stereotyping her but I'm not naive. I've been there, said no to that. I went to UT for cryin' out loud. I know tab poppers when I see 'em. And she, my friend, is a tab popper if I ever saw one. So, whatever, she moves into our lunch group and now we're all friends. We take strict one hour lunches together because I only have an hour, Party Girl has a bitch for a boss, and IT guys are hanging on by the skin of their teeth with their boss.

Fast forward to last week. Right after I left my rings at my cousin's house.
Things have gotten waaaay out of control. DJ Sexy and Party Girl have now gone out two weekends in a row to raves downtown. They engage in conversation that doesn't include me. And what really burns me up inside is they stay at lunch for over an hour! All of a sudden Party Girl is working overtime and is allowed an extra thirty minutes for lunch. All of a sudden DJ Sexy doesn't give a shit what his boss says about late lunches. All of a sudden I'm in this alternate universe where noone in my lunch group hangs on my every word anymore. AND FRANKLY, IT'S FREAKIN' ME OUT. I should point out, in all fairness, that I was [on more than one occasion] invited to join them on their late night excursions to various clubs around Houston, and I [on more than once occasion] politely declined.

And what's worse is that this week Married IT Guy is out on vacation, and I am left faking polite laughter at their obvious inside jokes and conversations. I feel like a fool. I've lost control of the situation, and it will be hard to gain back.

AND, now there are rumors circulating that Party Girl is bi-sexual. And as everyone knows, there's only one thing sexier than a spicy, good looking, Latina [me], it's a bi-sexual girl [Party Girl]. No matter how hideous her face is.

F*ck Steve Campbell of the Houston Chronicle.

Front page, first article and he's dismissing the 'Stros as "idiots [who] are one more misstep from falling out the ..World Series altogether."

This has been a record-breaking year for the Astros and we shouldn't forget, [as hard as it is to look on the bright side] that this has literally been the BEST SEASON EVER for the Astros.

-First time in history we have won the pennent.
-Longest game in postseason history.[18 innings]
-Longest game in World Series history.[14 innings]
-First World Series game on Texas soil.

Damn. I know winning the World Series is the name of the game, but give credit where credit is due.

Enough slack already, show some love for the Astros during their best season ever.

Today's Cafeteria Menu:
Fried Chicken Breast
Roasted Potatoes
Corn

We all know what happens when you eat corn. Let's not go there again. But what happens when you eat fried chicken breast? Is it like chicken fried chicken? Then why didn't they just call it that? I'm not going anywhere near fried chicken breast or corn. Looks like a soup and salad day. But not soupy taco. That was something awful.

Ok, back by popular demand are more conversations from withing XYZ Fashion Corporation. Ok, it wasn't so much popular demand as it was my demand.

If anyone from anywhere in the building calls you, it will only show one number - our main number, which, inconveniently enough rings straight to me.

Incoming Call to Front Desk.

“Good morning, [name of Company]”
“Hi . . . uh, did someone call for me?”
“Do you know anyone at [name of Company] who might have called you?”
“What is this place?”
“[name of Company].”
“What do ya’ll do?”
“We are a corporate office.”
“Are there any . . teenagers there?”
“No."
"Ok, bye."

This phone call was from a distressed customer needing to get a hold of someone in customer service. The only thing was, she didn’t know who she was looking for…so I had to tell her.

“Good morning, [name of Company]”
“HI...I need to…um…purchase some shoes. You didn’t have them at your store, and I ordered them last year through your corporate office.”
“Well, this is the corporate office. Let me switch you over to customer service.”
“WELL…hang on. I need to speak with someone about ordering shoes.”
“Ok. Let me switch you to customer service.”
“Where is that?”
“Here in the corporate office…”
“Ok. Because last time I ordered them from the corporate office.”
“Yes, ma’am. This is the corporate office.”
“Well, who is in charge of shoes?”
“Well, if you need to order shoes-
“Yes, I need to order shoes”
“-you need to speak with customer service.”
“But last year, this was so easy, I just ordered them through the corporate office.”

[By this time, I knew what she was getting at. She wanted to speak directly with our athletic shoe buyer. I would be publicly hanged if I transferred a customer directly to a Buyer. God forbid they ever speak with customers. They don’t even speak to me half the time.]

“Ma’am, we do have shoe buyers here at the corporate office, but all they do is buy from vendors all day long. They don’t take orders or take customer service calls.”
“Oh.”
“Let me switch you to customer service.”
“Ok…”
“Thank you.”


A conversation between Party Girl and I the day after the day after the night we drank so much. She called me on the phone from her desk upstairs.

”Hey [DaMasta], how are you?”
“I’m good.”
“Yeah? I’m still in a funk.”
“Heh, I’m just ready to get outta here.”
“Yeah, me too. I’m so glad it’s Friday. You should call me this weekend. Do you have my number?”
“Yes.”
“No, not my extension, my number.”
“Yes.”
“How do you have it?”
“Are you serious? You don’t remember?”
“No. What?”
“The other night at the bar, you gave me your number. And look at your celly, you have mine.”
“Oh my God, I do. I don’t even remember that. I was that bad, huh?”
“Yes. Yes, you were.”

Today's Cafeteria Menu:
Cheese Enchiladas
Spanish Rice
Refried Beans

MMM...MMM...good.

Look! It's "Stolen Shit" Monday! My favorite!
Just complete the sentence.



1) My uncle once: paid for a private plane to fly us out of the wrath that would become Hurricane Rita. Psshh..

2) Never again in my life: will I fall for a luke warm married guy.

3) When I was five: I got a guitar for my birthday.

4) High School was: a waste of time: I didn’t learn how to read or how to spell.

5) I will never forget: almost being arrested.

6) I once met: Jay Leno.

7) There's this girl I know who: has four children, an ex-husband, and a boyfriend who has four children and an ex-wife.

8) Once, at a bar: I sang I Will Survive during a Kareoke contest.

9) By noon I'm usually: eating lunch with DJ Sexy, Party Girl, and Married IT Guy.

10) Last night I: watched the Astros lose Game 2 in the most upsetting 9th inning ever.

11) If I had only: married my second fiance.

12) Next time I go to church: I will try to get away with wearing flip flops.

13) What worries me most: is what will happen if I get caught wearing flip flops to church.

14) When I turn my head right, I see: my gi-normous phone system.

15) When I turn my head left, I see: a broken security monitor.

16) You know I'm lying when: I say words to you.

17) You know what I miss most about the eighties: being ages 1 thru 9.

18) If I was a character written by Shakespeare, I'd be: a plague on both your houses.

19) By this time, next year: I hope to get a dollar raise, but not for a job well done, but instead for a rise in the cost of living.

20) A better name for me would be: anything other than That-Chick-that-Answers-the-Phone.

21) I have a hard time understanding: why I need to understand everything.

22) If I ever go back to school I'll: quit.

23) You know I like you if: I slide my hand up your thigh.

24) If I won an award, the first person I'd thank would be: myself, for all the hard work.

25) Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferarro are: no friends of mine.

26) Take my advice, never: listen to my advice.

27) My ideal breakfast is: you, with whipped cream on top.

28) A song I love, but do not have is: My Humps by Black Eyed Peas.

29) If you visit my hometown, I suggest: rooting for the Astros.

30) Why won't anyone: believe me when I tell them Party Girl is a closet freak.

31) If you spend the night at my house, DO: puff, puff, pass. Do NOT puff, puff, puff, puff, puff, puff pass.

32) I'd stop my wedding for: a good looking, rich guy.

33) The world could do without: spinich enchiladas.

34) I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: eat spinich enchiladas.

35) My favorite blonde is: Justin Timberlake.

36) Paperclips are more useful than: glue sticks.

37) San Diego means: never having to say “Goodbye.”

38) And by the way: I have no idea what #37 means.

Today's Lunch Menu:
Philly Cheese Steak
Something else
Potato Munchers

I don't get it.

Throughout the day, my position as a front lobby receptionist lends me to having interesting conversations with various co-workers including, but not limited to, dim HR assistants, studly Buyers, even studlier Real Estate men, snooty Women's Buyers, and even snootier Executive Assistants. Here's how they go:

Conversations from Within XYZ Fashion Corporation:

This conversation arose when I found out from a friend that he called while I was out, and surprisingly enough, dim witted HR chick didn't notify me that he had called.

"Hey chick, did someone call for me while I was at lunch?"
"Huh?"
"Did a guy call for me while I was at lunch?"
"Oh, yeah. This guy called for you while you were at lunch."
"Really?"
"Yeah, but he didn't leave his name."
"Did he sound cute?"
"Um...yeah?"
"Shut up."

This conversation was hardly a conversation, but turned into an all-out riot when I realized just what I asked Hunky Buyer Dude. Don't worry, they were laughing at me, not with me.

*Hunky Buyer Dude is going up the stairs in the main lobby. Groups of people are walking thru the lobby. Hunky Buyer Dude stops, waves, and winks at me. I just couldn't leave well enough alone.*

"Hey!" I yell thru the lobby, "So are you going to the Astros game tonight?!"
He stops. So do several other people in the lobby. He thinks, turns, and faces me with a smirk.
"It's in....St. Louis. Haa haa haaaaaa haaaaaaa."
Completely embarrassed, I reply.
"Oh, heh. I...uh....guess you'd better leave now. Heh."

This conversation conspired this morning between a Snooty Executive Assistant and I. I was so hungover yesterday that, apparently, I couldn't perform my duites as efficiently as normal. Not that I do anything that needs more than a 5th grader's version of efficiency.

"Good morning Snooty Executive Assistant, I have a package for you at the front desk."
"Ok. Great. I'll come down and get it."
She comes to the front desk, picks up the package, wrinkles her nose, and asks me..
"Did they drop this off this morning?"
"Um, no. It was sometime yesterday."
"What time yesterday?"
"Around . . . three. . . three thirty."
"Oh. I was wondering where this was. I really needed it yesterday."
"Sorry . . . ?"
"Yeah."


I piss off so many people throughout the day, I've lost count. But, my boss complements me like you compliment a puppy for not peeing on the floor.

I've got so many more conversations to post, but I didn't want this post to be two pages long. So enjoy these and relax in the comfort of knowing there's more to come.

Ok. So they did it. It's official.
The Astros are going to the World Series.

A few co-workers and I went here to watch the Astros help tear down Busch Stadium. It was an awesome game. From what I remember. Come to think of it, I only remember the last out. I hope someone taped it.

My biggest problem? I am so incredibly hungover.

I already drank a gallon of water, a quart of milk, and 10 ounces of Starfucks.

And I'm still thirsty.

And the craziest thing someone has said to me today :

"You went to work with a hangover?"

Heck yes I did.

If everyone with a hangover stayed home from work, half the people at this corporate office wouldn't come in on a Tuesday.

So my question is: How many of ya'll have come to work with a hangover so bad that you would still fail a breathilizer test? Did you get caught? Did you sneak to your car for a nap?

Sometimes I wake up still drunk. I hadn't even gotten to the hungover part. After lunch, that's when the hangover starts...

Today's Cafeteria Menu:
Grilled Salmon
Rice Pilaf
Side Salad

Looks like a Chicken Quesadilla day.

Well, I took a little day off yesterday. I'm not sure what for. I was planning on being out till 5 in the morning celebrating an Astros victory on Monday night. We all know that didn't happen. So, in essence, my day off was a complete waste of time. We also had the Jockey reps come by yesterday and give all the female associates free undies. Dammit. I hate when I miss a chance at free undies. Burns me up inside.

Duties I perform each day [on my day off] because I have No Actual duties to perform each day [on my day off].

1. Do the dishes from last week and then make lunch and not do those dishes.

2. Play along with Family Fued.

3. Turn my phone off after ignoring five calls from my mother wondering why I'm not at work.

4. Vow to do some house cleaning and then pass out from noon to three thirty.

5. Follow Quesa around the house and try to find the old cigarette butts she stole from the ashtray.

6. Instead, find an empty beer can and a half a bottle of vodka under the couch.

7. Have a burger and a beer with my sister while watching the E True Hollywood Story of Britney and Kevin.

8. Laugh when my dad discovered that my little sister tried to hide the table she broke in the living room.

9. Got embarrassed when I told my cousin I was watching Gilmore Girls.

10. Put off doing laundry until 10pm and then fall asleep before putting them in the dryer.

1. On the verge::
2. Tempestuous::
3. Coherent::
4. Near death::
5. Illiterate::
6. Why not?::
7. Period::
8. Long lost::
9. Torrid::
10. Nail::

Here it is. Unconscious Mutterings. Read each one. Record your first thoughts and post them in the comments section. Here's a little something else I stole. Read it while you think and I'll post my answers at the end.

1. When you look at yourself in the mirror, what's the first thing you look at?My mouth.

2. How much money do you have on you? I don't carry cash.

3. What's the first word that comes to mind that rhymes with "TEST?" Best.

4. Favorite plant? Weeds. I said weedssss, not weed. Not weed. Not weed. Weed. Weed.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? DJ Sexy.

6. What is your main ring tone on your phone? An old fashion phone.

7. What shirt are you wearing? It's a new plum colored three quarter sleeve shirt. I bought it this weekend when I went shopping with my cousin.

8. Do you "label" yourself? Yes. "evil".

9. The brand of shoes you're currently wearing? Anne Klein.

10. Bright or Dark Room? It is currently bright in the front lobby.

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you? I think he should not try to cook chicken any more.

12. Ever "spilled the beans?" I'm Mexican. I spill beans all the damn time.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night? Nothing you haven't done.

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say? "Why didn't you call me back last night when you got home?"

15. Do you ever click on "Pop Ups?" Only when they have fun games on them. I'm such a sucker.

16. What's a saying that you say a lot? Fuckin' A!

17. Who told you they loved you last? My dad.

18. Last person you hooked up with? Oh, damn. I plea the fifth. But I'll give you a clue. He likes to grab my ass.

19. Last furry thing you touched? Quesa McDilla.

20. How many drugs have you done in the past 3 days? 3.

21. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? I have no clue. I still have a disposable camera in my dresser drawer from '88.

22. Favorite age you have been so far? 17.

23. Your worst enemy? My mother. She's my best friend and my worst enemy. All at once. All the time.

24. What is your current desktop picture? That fuzzy little creature that poped up on Google when I typed in "Images of DaMasta".

25. What was the last thing you said to someone? I think I'm calling in sick tomorrow.

26. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to change a major regret? It's all about the Benjamin's baby.

27. Are you in love with someone? I'm in love with love.

Ok, enough of that. Let's see some answers.

1. On the verge:: of death
2. Tempestuous:: roller coaster
3. Coherent:: not drunk
4. Near death:: experience
5. Illiterate:: not read
6. Why not?:: kill him
7. Period:: last
8. Long lost:: love
9. Torrid:: earth
10. Nail:: hard

Let's see your answers...

Oh, Astros. How do I love thee?

Let me count the ways.

1. Eric Bruntlett. Game 4. Ninth inning. For being in the right place at the right time. Sure, normally what happened in the last two outs of yesterday's ball game should have been a routine double play, nothing fancy, but against the Cardinals, it was just the miracle play we needed to seal the deal and shut down the Cards for a 3-1 lead in the series.

2. Adam Everett. Game 4. Ninth inning. Again, instrumental in the double play to end the game. It was begining to look like things could get really ugly in the top of the ninth. We barely got Puljols out at home. Walker stole third right under our noses. He was now in scoring position with a man also on first. This inning could have easily lead to a tie in the series. But low and behold, Everett makes a grab from Bruntlett, and seamlessly turns a DP to Berkman at first. Hop, grab, turn, throw. Perfect.

3. Brandon Backe. Game 4. Starting pitcher. Now, much of the press is saying that Backe is a very emotional pitcher. Has had a not so hot season. Very unpredictable. Very unreliable. But, dammit, the Galveston native got out there on that mound yesterday and did an outstanding job against the Cardinals. This was the game the Cardinals knew they had to win. They had to tie the series. They couldn't let us leave with a huge 3-1 lead. They didn't want to make that mistake. And they would take every opportunity they could from Backe. But thru 5 2/3 innings, he only gave up two hits and one run. One run. I'll take that any day from the Cardinals.

4. Lights Out Lidge. Games 2,3,4. Closing pitcher. An outstanding performance from one of the most notable closers in Astros history. He hasn't allowed a Cardinals run since May, 29, 2003. It's no wonder they call him Lights Out Lidge. Cause when he's on the mound, its: Lights Out. Game Over.

5. Mike Lamb. Game 3. Mike's been pretty quiet throughout the postseason. So it was a breath of fresh air to see him step up and give us a two-run homer off Cardinal's prize pitcher Matt Morris. This gave us a 2-0 lead and the game.

6. Jason Lane. Game 3. On second base. As Ausmus punted a single into right, Lane stole third base and took out Cardinal's third baseman Nunez. Not that I condone violence of any kind, heh heh...but this forced the RedBirds to put Luna in for Nunez. Subsequently, Luna made a horribly off throw to catcher Molina, making it more than easy to Lane to jog home for a run.

7. Willy Taveras. Game 3. Center field. Last out. As the last fly ball in the last out in the last inning of Game 3 soared into deep center field, Willy T. gracefully climbed the hill in outfield for a spectacular out. In the same series, celebrated center fieldman for the Cards, Jim Edmonds, tried the same play on the same hill in the same outfield with no luck, as he dropped the ball and allowed Houston to score.

8. Roy Oswalt. Game 2. Starting pitcher. In seven innings, he allowed only five hits and one run. One run from power hitter Albert Puljols. Any time you can silence the great and powerful Puljols and keep him to just one run, it's a great day. With a Game 2 win, Oswalt is 3-0 this postseason.

9. Lance Berkman. A fan favorite. In the longest game in MLB postseason history, Lance gave us the fuel to fight off the Cards with his grandslam in the 8th inning against the Braves last Sunday. This put the score at 6-5 after trailing most of the game with a 6-1 defecit.

Like Thom, I'm in a quiet mood today. Partly because I'm so hungover, I feel like if I open my mouth, I'll be prayin' to the almighty porcelain gods. I don't even feel like posting anything today, so if it's not funny...oops. Mah bad.

Top 7 Signs You Drank Too Much on a Week Night and Now You're Stuck at Work with a Huge Ass Hangover.

1. You take a "nap" between 3:30am and 5:15am before you have to get ready for work.

2. You're not sure if your eyes are open but you're pretty sure that's you snoring.

3. You load up on carbs at lunch hoping it will soak up the rest of the alcohol in your system.

4. You're not sure if you're saying, "Good Morning, [name of company]" or "Go f*ck yourself, how can I help you, dot com."

5. All your glue sticks look alike.

6. You're reading your own blog and start to laugh out loud. And now people are staring.

7. You can only think of 7 funny things to say.

Oh, yeah....GO 'STROS! I added a couple of good Astros links to the left here. Check out this one and that one. My Rocket is pitching tomorrow in the 3rd game, and hopefully we can sweep the RedBirds at home. I figure if we can win this series - if we can get over this hump and beat the best team in the league - we've got the WS in the bag. We've already taken the first step to victory by beating the Cards in their home turf. Something we haven't done in a while. I BELIEVE!

My furry little Quesa Dilla. My Quesa. My Dilla.

This month marks the two year anniversary of Quesa's "gotcha" date. If you buy a pet rat from a breeder, you celebrate their birthday - because obviously the breeder knows when the rat was born. In Quesa's case, you celebrate her "gotcha" date. This is the date I 'got her' from the pet store. In rat-lover's land, people who buy pets from a pet store carry a certain stigma. It's not acceptable in most circles of pet lovers. But, Quesa was my first rat and my first pet, for that matter. I didn't know better. And my ignorance has never paid off more.

In rat years, two years is a lifetime. Literally. They are only expected to live 1-3 years. Max. Quesa is still healthy and strong and happy. She has seen 6 rats come and go. Some have died. Others, I adopted out to fellow ratlovers.

She has been with me to the movies, to the mall, to Petco many a time, and recently to Florida during my hurrication.

And since I have a bad long term memory, and I can't quite remember what date I got her, we'll just celebrate her "gotcha" month. Which I'm 88% sure was in October. Aw, come 'on. I've slept since then. Hey, I'm just kidding. I'm 92% sure.

Today I will be digging up stories about her and some of the other rats I have owned. We'll start, however, with a little list that plays on the saying that pet owners and pets begin to resemble each other after a while.

Ways Me and Quesa are alike:

1. We both purr when you rub our cheeks.

2. We both have big hind feet.

3. We both like cuddling in the nape of another's neck.

4. We both like to sleep with our noses under our bellies.

5. We both use our big booties for evil.

6. We both have soft tummies.

7. We both are way too curious.

8. We both get lonely if left alone for too long.

9. We both get overly excited about cheese.

10. We both sneeze when we're nervous.

11. We both squeak when we're made to do something we don't want to do.

12. We both come when called.

Ok, here's a little something that's been stolen so many times it should be in a pawn shop:

Google Images: go log onto to Google. click on Images. search for the following and post it.

1. City you grew up in.

Yup, that's Houston, Tejas. Good 'ole H-town. Born in a hospital downtown. Raised in Southeast suburbia.

2. City you live in now.

Yup. The same damn city. Haven't moved far, either. Three exits down. Five mins away.

3. Your name.

Yup. I typed in "DaMasta", and look what happened. Eh. It's actually pretty accurate.

4. Your grandmother's name.

You know my obsession with llamas. So imagine my surprise when I type my grandmother's name into google and get this. Apparently, I come from a long line of dumb furry animals.

5. Your favorite food.

Ah. The glorious quesadilla and all it's splendor.

6. Your favorite drink.

MmmMmm...Nothin' like downin' a couple of mugs of beer at your desk.

7. Your favorite song.

Can you guess the song? Yup, Red Red Wine. Such a great, cheesy 80s song.

8. Your favorite smell.

Mens. Especially men with jobs.

Today's Cafeteria Menu:
Meatloaf
Garlic Mashed Potatoes
Green Beans

Dammit. I don't know what I'm going to do for lunch. I was not amused with the meatloaf last time. And didn't we just have mashed 'taters yesterday? What are they thinking? Are they just going to start recycling food and randomly adding garlic? And you know how much I like green beans. But theirs are soggy, limp, and bland. I don't like anything that's soggy, limp or bland.



Tag! I'm it.

I asked BS to tag me. And this is the best shit he could come up with:

the rules:
1. go into your archive.
2. find your 23rd post.
3. find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. tag five other people to do the same.

Here's the fifth sentence of my 23rd post:

After the buzz wears off, a wangover leaves you with feelings of paranoia, disorientation, guilt, sleepiness, and general indifference to whatever is going on around you.

This is the definition of the word wangover, which is a weed hangover. I'm happy to say I haven't had one of these since...well...since I wrote that post. Which was about a month ago. Ah..the mundane state of soberness.


Jinxy tagged my ass with this one:

Its 10 things you wish would make a comeback:

1. Fraggle Rock - I friggin' loved this show. I loved those little construction worker dudes with the little hats and the tool belts.

2. Tye Dye T-shirts - I don't care what you say. You can't be in a bad mood while wearing a tye-dye t-shirt.

3. Hey Dude! - Another great show. I think it came out in the 90s on Nickelodeon. Just a bunch of teenagers on a ranch gettin' into some trouble.

4. Nsync - I'll probably get flamed for this one.

5. Roller Skating - Ahh..skating along on a big wooden floor dancin' to the top 40 hits with your friends.

6. Polaroid Cameras - Remember when taking pictures was simple?

7. Garbage Pail Kid trading cards - Oh, man! Remember these? These were classic! And disgusting.

8. Mood Rings - It's like a warning system for everyone to stay the hell away from me.

9. Square cafeteria pizza - MMMMMmmmm...

10. Calculator watches - Ok, I must have been a big ass nerd in the 80s, cause I had a robot calculator watch when I was younger. It was this digital watch that turned into a robot with arms and legs and if you opened it up, it had a calculator in the middle of the belly.


That's it for now. Thanks to those who tagged my ass.

Today's Cafeteria Menu:
Chicken Nuggets
Mashed 'taters
Corn

Score. Finally a lunch I feel good about.

Heard Around Town:

1. "Well, I can't make a claim against myself," my dad explained when he told me why he had to pay two deductibles to get the family cars fixed thru the insurance company. Apparently, my sister ran into my dad's car while driving my mom's car. And they say I'm the bad child.

2. "I thought I saw you last night.." has become the inside joke between me, the chick from HR and the hunky maintenance man. When HR chick said it to hunky maintenance man, she meant on the road on her side of town. Hunky maintenance man thought she meant in her dreams.

3. "There's no droppin'-like-it's-hot at work," warned Tech Boy 2 to Sexy DJ, who was making fun of my recent back injury by dancing in the middle of the hall at work - demonstrating what I must have been doing over the weekend to warrant a sudden unexplained back injury.

4. "Look! He's got bouncy hair," I said to HR chick, as we admired a hot guy from Real Estate [we call him Real Estud] walk down the stairs, hair bouncing in the breeze.

5. "He showed up wearing a gold grille!" exclaimed HR chick as she described a first date gone horribly wrong. I also heard that when it was his turn to pay for a round of drinks, he made like a fat man's pants and split. Looks like I'm not the only person who dates losers.


Ask and you shall recieve. I've been tagged twice already, and haven't posted them yet. So tomorrow will be Tag My Ass Wednesday. So if you still haven't tagged me with shit you'd like me to write about, here's your chance. Can't wait.

I've got a lot of work to do today. Plus I'm feeling lazy. Plus I'm having writer's block. And since I've stolen a lot of shit from a lot of people - I figure, why should today be any different.

So today I'm just going to feature a whole slew of stolen shit and random thoughts. You might even get to find out what my real first name is....

"Damasta needs..." Well, according to Bobby, you can plug in your real name and the word needs [quotes and all] into Google, and get a list of things you may or may not know you need. I did use my real name, but for your purposes, I'll leave it out for now:

1. [Damasta] needs the structure and love of a family. No shit sherlock. That's what I've been tryin' to say!!

2. [Damasta] needs a nip. Not sure what that is, or that I want to know what that is. Maybe it eludes to plastic surgery. If so, no I don't.

3. [Damasta] needs a girl. Not sure why. If they mean sexually, that might be a good idea considering my luck with the opposite sex.

4. [Damasta] needs a big reality check. Wow. Thanks. I'm not sure from what. I'm not living a lavish life style or wishing to be the next Playboy bunny. I work 8-5. I live in a one bedroom apartment. I make 50 cents/hr. I spend all my money on Taco Bell and booze. Trust me, it's not all it's cracked up to be.

5. [Damasta] needs all the help and all the heros she can get. Amen.



This, I've seen everywhere. So don't say I stole it from you. I stole it from everyone.

Getting to know DaMasta:


1. Legal First name? [DaMasta].
2. Were you named after anyone? That chick on All My Children. Which my mom has only watched that one day she was sittin' in the hospital thinkin', "Shit. I gotta name this baby something. Let's see what's on t.v."
3. Do you wish on stars? No.
4. When did you last cry? The Thursday before Hurricane Rita, when Secret LB told me what he told me.
5. What is your favorite lunch meat? Oven Gold Turkey Breast. Heh. I said breast.
6. What is your birth date? December 27, 1979
7. Whats your most embarrassing CD? Justin Timberlake
8. Would you be friends with you? Hell yeah. I'm the most loyal person I know.
9. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Yes. But not about money. I never joke about money.
10. What are your nicknames? Crackhead. Yep, I'm not lying. My cousins call me that. They say I act crazy like I'm on crack all the time.
11. Would you bungee jump? Would I intentionally throw myself off a bridge with nothing but a springy rope that, hopefully, will stop me before my head plummets to the ground at the sheer velocity of death? Sure, why not.
12. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? No. You can't untie heels. Or flip flops.
13. Do you think that you are strong? Yes. And I can kick your ass. Yes, you.
14. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Cookies and Cream.
15. Shoe Size? 10.
16. Red or pink? Unfortunately pink. Yes, I'm one of those girls.
17. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? My lack of patience.
18. Who do you miss most? My dad. He's not gone or anything. But he works shift work, and since I moved out of the house, I hardly ever see him anymore.
19. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? I'm wearing my black power suit and heels.
20. What are you listening to right now? The beeping sound the phone makes when I ignore it for too long.
21. What did you eat for breakfast? A caffeine pill and a cup of coffee.
22. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Burnt orange.
23. What is the weather like right now? 79, rainy.
24. Last person you talked to on the phone? Some crazy ex-employee from another state trying to get ahold of someone in HR. Fat chance.
25. The first things you notice about the opposite sex? The chest.
26. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Yes, I like Mr. Cut and Paste very much, thank you.
27. Favorite Drink? Root Beer
28. Hair Color? Dark brown with natural auburn highlights.
29. Do you wear contacts? No, but I should atleast wear glasses.
30. Favorite Food? Quesadillas
31. Last Movie You Watched? Monster in Law. Frickin' funny as hell.
32. Favorite Day Of The Year? The day celebrating my birth.
33. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings? Happy Endings.
34. Summer Or Winter? Winter. Nothin' better than sippin' on hot chocolate while wrapped up in a fleece blankie wearin' jeans, flip flops and a long sleeve t-shirt.
35. Hugs OR Kisses? Kisses. I am officially one of the world's best kissers.
36. What Is Your Favorite Desert? Strawberry cheesecake.
37. Living Arrangements? Me, and a bratty little rat.
38. What books Are You Reading? I can't read. I left UT after three years, never reading one book, with a 3.52 GPA.
39. What's On Your Mouse Pad? I don't have a mouse pad.
40. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? Elimidate.
41. Favorite Smells? Vanilla candles and guys.
42. Favorite junk food? Taco Bell.
43. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Who?
44. What's the farthest you've been from home? Cali. I went with my ex-boyfriend to Carlsbad, CA. He was stationed at 29Palms.



Well, that's it for now. I absolutely have to get back to work. I thought this post would be a time-saver, but damn, that took a long time.

Today's Cafeteria Menu:
Fried Catfish
Mac and Cheese
'Nuff Said.

I've mentioned to BS that I don't particularly care for catfish. But maybe if it's deep fried in animal fat, the taste won't matter much. Plus they are having mac and cheese for cryin' out loud.

I'm sure the menu said something after mac and cheese, but when I saw that, I quit reading.

Ahh...the Astros lost last night in their second game of the post-season and it's a refreshing 65 degrees outside. And all the world is right.

Duties I perform each day because I have no Actual Duties to perform each day:

1. Down a 13.7 ounce bottle of Starfucks Frappawhatever and shake uncontrollably for the next 6 to 8 hours.

2. Read all about how the 'Stros are going to choke in the post season. Again. Atleast they are consistent.

3. Put all my glue sticks in alphabetical order. Wait. What?

4. Every hour put the front lobby clock an hour ahead. I figure by noon, it'll be time to go home.

5. Sit thru another company update meeting where our CEO tells dirty jokes and everyone laughs nervously.

6. Shop online for a new fur coat. But not a real fur coat; that's cruel.

7. Giggle everytime someone says the word "wax" cause it makes me think of the phrase "wax that ass."

8. Sign up at Savemyass.com so I can remember to send myself flowers on my birthday so I don't have to kick my own ass.

9. Make little snowmen using all the dust on my desk.

10. Wonder if the nice weather or the Kahlua I put in the coffee pot that's making everyone so chipper today.

Confession of the day:
I'm not sayin' I'm a gold digga, I just ain't rollin' wit no broke fella.

I totally stole this from Bobby. And I don't care, either.



1. Do you try to look hot when you go to the grocery store just in case someone recognizes you from your blog? How hot does one have to look if no one knows what you look like?

2. Are the photos you post Photoshopped or otherwise altered?Yes, the blank picture you see next to my name was altered to look hotter so people will recognize me.

3. Do you like it when creeps or dorks email you?I don't think anyone else emails me.

4. Do you lie in your blog? Of course I do. I lie all the time. And I suck at it. But that never stopped me.

5. Are you passive-aggressive in your blog? In my blog, yes. In real life, no, I'm agressive-agressive. It leads to better make up sex.

6. Do you ever threaten to quit writing so people will tell you not to stop? No. That's stupid. But if ya'll don't read this post, then I might quit writing all together.

7. Are you in therapy? If not, should you be? If so, is it helping? No, according to my ex-therapist I should be, and hell no.

8. Do you delete mean comments? Do you fake nice ones?Yes and no. The "Even tho he flamed me" link on the side is from someone who wrote a mean comment on my blog the other week. I deleted it, but now he links me. Weird. I should fake nice ones, tho. Or go anonymous on other people's blogs and say things like, "Hey, ya'll should check out Quesadillas for Breakfast! I heard she looks hot in heels."

9. Have you ever rubbed one out while reading a blog? Yes.

10. If your readers knew you in person, would they like you more or like you less?Ew, this is a toughy. Probably more, cause we'd sit around and get drunk and say funny shit to each other all night.

11. Do you have a job?Yes, professional blogger. Oh, yeah, and I answer the phone sometimes when it rings.

12. If someone offered you a decent salary to blog full-time without restrictions, would you do it? Can I get a "HELL YEAH!"?

13. Which bloggers do you want to meet in real life? Aw, man, too many to list. Bobby, Jinxy, Thom, BS and fam, Breazy, Lime, Sherri, Jerk, Wirthy, Seth, Idiot, ....

14. Which bloggers have you made out with? (a)In real life? (b)In fantasy? a. None, I don't think. Unless one of you was the guy at the Pasadena Cook Off this past weekend....what was his name...? b. Yes.

15. Do you usually act like you have more money or less money than you really have? More. All the time. I over-spend on everything.

16. Does your family read your blog? Yes, Krazy K [my sister], reads my blog sometimes, I think. But she never leaves a comment. And one of my cousins has read my blog, too. She thinks I am the funniest person she has ever met.

17. How old is your blog? Two months old, I think. I hate when people with spawn tell me their two yr old is 24 months old. When/if I have spawn, I will use fractions. So, this blog is 1/6 of a year old. I think.

18. Do you get more than 1000 page views per day? Do you care?No, and yes. I've always wanted to be an international superstar.

19. Do you have another secret blog in which you write about being depressed, slutty, or a liar? Oh, I thought that's what this one was supposed to be about.

20. Have you ever given another blogger money for his/her writing? No, I thought cut and paste was free.

21. Do you report the money you earn from your blog on your taxes? You can make money off this thing? Holy hell. Foiled again!

22. Is blogging narcissistic? Of course. Isn't it supposed to be? Atleast, it would be if any of it were true.

23. Do you feel guilty when you don't post for a long time? Long time, like 30 mins? No. That just means I'm actually answering the phone when it rings. Long time like 3 days? No. That just means it's the weekend.

24. Do you like John Mayer? Only when he's naked.

25. Do you have enemies? Don't all Masters of the Universe have enemies?

26. Are you lonely? Nope. I have one loyal friend, a ton of imaginary internet friends, and a whole city full of annoying relatives.

27. Why bother?Are you kidding me? I get to cuss and talk about myself all day.

Bonus28. If they were to make a movie of your life, who would play the mailman? Zack Braff. So I can say funny shit like, "So, mailman, when do you get off?" And he would laugh. And we would make out.

Today's Cafeteria Menu:
Grilled Salmon
Rice Pilaf
Broccoli Spears

Bleh. I can't wait till tomorrow when they have Chicken Fried Steak and Mashed 'Taters. And Thursday is Chicken Tacos. And Friday they are having Mac and Cheese. Fish just scares me. Sometimes it has bones, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it has E.Coli, sometimes it doesn't.

In contrast of yesterday's horribly dark post, I'll have a little fun today.

I recently told you guys that I bought my first pair of heels the other week. I can't take them off. I've worn them practically everyday. And, frankly, I have been having the time of my life.

Every time I wear my heels:

1. I feel as tall as a greek goddess.
2. My ass lifts a whole 2 inches.
3. My boobs are perkier.
4. No guy can resist me.
5. I get drunk more often.
6. My smile is brighter.
7. I look sexy in jeans.
8. I get on a power trip.
9. There's now 3 people shorter than me at work.
10. I look a whole 5 lbs. skinnier.

Today's Cafeteria Menu:
Roast Beef
Roasted Potatoes
Carrots

WTF is roast beef? By the looks of it at lunch, I'm glad I don't know. I had a burger and tots - the Sonic special.

The one thing I hate more than conversating in the ladies room is conversating while waiting in line in the ladies room. For some reason, there was a bathroom convention going on this afternoon as twenty women all piled in the bathroom all at once. There was a swirl of sights, sounds, and [ugh] smells.

The one thing I hate more than conversating while waiting in line in the ladies room is having to smile and nod at the person who went before you in the stall you are about to walk into. All I keep thinking is: did you wipe the seat after yourself? did you do number two? did you leave the seat warm for me? did you flush?

The one thing I hate more than having to smile and nod at the person who went before you in the stall you are about to walk into is having to smile and not at the person who is going after you in the stall you are about to walk out of. All I keep asking myself is : did I wipe the seat after myself? did I do number two? did i leave the seat warm? did I flush?

Well, now that the funny part of the post is over, I can only apologize in advance for needing to post the rest, which will be an angry, bitter, and depressed mob of words.

I'm a failure.

I know I'm a failure when I go to family fuctions on my dad's side. I am reminded I am a failure by my cousins. By their husbands. By their children. By their houses and new cars and elaborate birthday parties and weddings and holiday gatherings. I look around and see the same cousins I grew up with. Some older. Most younger. The eldest, now 27, started her life nearly 9 years ago. She birthed a fatherless child, got a boyfriend, got a house, got married, had another child, got another house, got a boat, and birthed a small infant last year. My other cousins soon followed. Birthing spawn. Getting married. Some divorsed. All remarried. Got houses. Got cars. Threw big parties and now live happily enough in southeast suburbia.

Maybe it's because I'm barren. Is that the right word? I can't birth a child. Well, atleast not without the help of an assful of shots containing highly legal birthing hormones. This is all in theory. I'm not sure it works. And I'm not sure I want it to work. I mean, God himself made it naturally impossible for me to have children. Why would I go against The All Knowing. Because he knows why I shouldn't have children.

Maybe the reason I'm not married or in a substantial relationship is because I can't cook, don't like to clean, don't like to shave my legs, and have an utter disregard to sorting laundry before washing. All this stems from the revelation I had this weekend when I found out that Secret LB has started seeing someone else.

Why did he lie to me? Why did I care? He said he didn't want a relationship complicating his life. What he meant to say was that he didn't want me complicating his life. He didn't like the fact that I didn't cook for him. He didn't like the time we went to the beach and I was so high that I forgot to shave. Maybe it was when I told him that I couldn't have children. I'll never know. He'll never tell me. I tried to confront him while doing some drunk dialing this weekend, but he only revealed the fact that he didn't owe me an explanation and hung up on me. He owed me more than that. We all know that.

This isn't meant to be a rambling about the asshole that is Secret LB, but rather a pondering about what makes me so unmarryable.

Is it because:
I never wear real diamonds?
I absolutely couldn't live without having mac and cheese atleast once a week?
all my clocks are set to different times?
if I had it my way, I would wear jeans everyday?
I don't like wearing pajamas to bed?
I hate the shows American Idol and Survivor?
I zone out at work and sometimes think of all the funny things I said to people the day before?
I am neither gracefull or petite?
I don't like to paint my nails?
I don't like to wear red?
I like the color pink?
I would rather go to a comedy club than a dance club?
I constantly fight with my lil sister?
I don't like to do things that I'm afraid I'll be bad at, like cooking?
I don't have a college degree?
I have moved more times than I care to admit?
I am a celebrity gossip junkie?
I am a reality tv junkie?
I believe in boppin' children on the butt is perfectly acceptable from the minute they are old enough to talk back?
I have a nervous habit of playing with my ear?
I can't count on one hand the number of boys I've, umm...kissed?
I don't have any plants in my apartment?
my lips don't always taste suggary sweet?
I don't like playing outdoors?
I cuss alot?
I have a pet rat named QuesaDilla?

What is it? This is really bothering me. So much so that last night, instead of doing laundry and cleaning my apartment, I drank the left over bottle of rum I found in the back seat of my car and cried myself to sleep.