HNT: Hurts like a thousand bullet wounds.

I don't need this to tell me I'm dying.

I'm right-handed, too.. so this is more than a little tragic.

It's my phone-answering hand.

It's my most used typing hand.

It's my writing hand.

.. and most importantly, it's my blogging-hand!

How am I supposed to click a mouse with this huge ass paper cut on my pinky?!?

And yes, Snav, that is your 'Chocolate Age' survey I'm working on in the background.

But in the middle of adding 552 to 1756 and dividing by 237, I was distracted by this magazine [aka The Papercut Culprit] :

Worried about half-nekkidness?

Take your shirt off and call him in the morning. Happy HNT!

Office Supply Wednesday: Budweiser and other random thoughts

Table for One I could devote a whole blogpost on this subject, and I probably will in the near future. You'd think after 26 years of being single, I'd know how to act on a first date. But I'm like a nervous little 5 yr old scared shit-less that he has to go up on stage at the school spelling bee in front of his parents and the whole school knowing good and well that he's going to fuck up the first word he gets, which is probably going to be a tricky word like science*.

Strangers make me nervous Many of you guys wouldn't believe me if I told you [wait.. I'm about to tell you now.. ], but I'm an incredibly shy person when it comes to meeting new people. I get all sweaty and nervous. I don't talk much. I just sit there and listen and laugh at the appropriate times. I'm observing and I'm thinking. I obsessing over the stranger's thoughts. What do they think of me? Am I laughing too loud or too often? Am I smiling enough? Is there anything in my teeth? Is my lipstick straight? Is my eye-makeup smeared? Can they tell what I'm thinking? Am I saying this out loud or just thinking it? Oh, god, I hope I'm not saying this out loud. Am I making eye contact? Am I slouching? Maybe I should sit up straight. Maybe this looks too pretentious? I should slouch casually. How casually is too casually? ... and so on and so on.

I have a new job dootie More on this later, but for now, if you could please refer to me as Agent E, I'd appreciate it.

Office Supply Wednesday OSW has returned to my blog. [yayayya.. audience cheers..]
This kick ass new lighter was purchased at the ever popular dollar store, where nothing's a dollar and everything's cheap.




















Bud. Weis. Errrrrr.

*I was chosen as a spelling bee contestant in 5th grade because I knew how to spell "science".

Keeping the weirdness down to a minimum..

Ok, so let's keep the weirdness topic going..

Tattoos I keep a stock of temporary [fake] tattoos around the house. Some are in my dresser drawer, some I've forgotten in old purses in the closet, and some are in my desk drawer next to my art supplies. I'm such an indecisive person, a real tattoo would never suffice. It's a little too permenant for my taste. So, when I'm dancing around my apartment on a random Saturday morning, for example, I'll slap one on and pose in front of the mirror.

This one was taken two weekends ago:

This one is already coming off, but this pic was taken just moments ago here at the office:

Silly underoos I absolutely love buying underwears with silly sayings or fun graphics. From hipsters to thongs to boy shorts, I can't get enough undies. The cotton ones are my "weekend" panties. All others are fair game.

That's it for the weirdness. I'll try to keep it down to a minimum.

Simon Cowell's gonna have a field day with me..

Ok, I'm not *that* weird. I mean, I'm not the only one who sings in the car while sitting in traffic... but apparently, I'm the only one that records it and puts it on her blog.

I'm reposting these audioblogs because, frankly, I'm not sure you guys got the whole point of these posts. I can't sing. I mean.. I *can*, I'm *able* to sing, but I can't. I think the humor of belting out Nsync or rapping with Nelly speaks.. er sings for itself.

And when audioblogger's not being a bitch and eating your recordings, it's a nice change of pace to hear someone's thoughts rather than read them. Enjoy.


My first ever audioblog started slow, but if you wait out the 3 seconds of silence, it gets good:

"Oh, this gets good.. wait for it.. wait for it.. " Audioblog One

My second audioblog features a rapping session with Eminem and a mexican moment:

"Listen for the sound fx.. " Audioblog Two

For some reason, I had a case of the giggles on my third audioblog. Also, for some reason, I rap again:

"I talk about nothing.. again... " Audioblog Three

HNT: That's odd. :-/

Oh yes. It's true. I was minding my own business [surfing for prisoner dating sites] and Madmeer tagged my ass. Yup. Right there in the middle of blogland. For everyone to see.

Here's how it all went down:

Madmeer: "I tagged yo ass, DaMasta. Ha!"
DaMasta: "Bitch."
Madmeer: "But you'll do it right?"
DaMasta: "Of course!"

List of Weirdness:
[The instructions are simple. Actually, I don't remember the instructions, so I will make up my own. 1) List weird characteristics about yourself. 2) Done.]

1. I talk with my arms. No.. not with my hands. My a-r-m-s. Benefits chick mentioned the other day that I shouldn't talk so loud because I almost knocked her in the head. And I responded back, oh.. I talk with my hands? And she said, no.. you talk with your arms. So apparently, my arms flail about like a retarded schizophrenic and the louder I get, the bigger the radius of my flail.

2. I'd rather text than talk. I've mentioned in the past that I used over 5,000 text messages a month. Last month, I hit an all-time high at over 8,000 texts in March alone. My cell phone minutes? 146. But luckily I have T-Mobile with unlimited texting and I only pay about $50 a month. Plus I have AIM [Aol Instant Messenger] on my phone for free.

3. I must be a secret agent for the FDA, because I name all my rats after food and/or drugs. Let's see, there's been Juno Burger, Quesa McDilla, and our most recent fatty ratty Chibby Chibberson.

4. I have my own language. I make up words and combine words to make new ones. Ex: tacobelly [what you get if you eat too much Taco Bell], feet pillows [really confortable sandals], ezmailz [ghetto for emails], real estud [a stud in the real estate dept.], Johniffer [a combination of John and Bennifer from the tech support dept, so I can address both of them at once. Bennifer is also a combo word for Ben and his wife Jennifer], tidbits [womanly parts], Paco [my hernia], peekend [the weekend of payday], dorkus [my pet name for you-know-who], beertenders [cute bartenders], etc..

5. If people text me and ask me where I am or what I'm doing, I usually send them a picture message of where I am or what I'm doing. Also, if I'm messing around at home, I'll send my friends stoopid pics of myself. Basically, I'm obsessed with taking pictures of myself. I'll show you what I mean:

*All photos, except the one where my head is in a Captain cut-out cardboard thingy and the one on the beach, were taken by me.

Dammit all to hell..

I can't get past 19.62 seconds.

Gah.

Escapa!

Weekend Recap

S-a-t-u-r-d-a-y night! I had a date with a dood I met online. I vowed never again. But ya know what Fievel says, "Never say never!" So we went to this happenin' pub in Northwest Houston.. beer, live band, pool.. the works.

Let's see.. the high points of my date:

1. He's *no longer* an alcoholic.
2. He's *almost* done paying off the lease of the house where he used to live with his ex-girlfriend.
3. He's *almost* done living with his parents.
4. He's anti-smoking, anti-drugs, anti-drinking [now].
5. He's 26 and *kinda* bald.

The best compliment I recieved all night: "I'm so glad you're not an air-head."

I think we'd better stick with the "never again" policy.

Later that night I talked the date over with The Cuz, while having a cigarette and getting fugged up on "non" cigarettes.

A honey-ham should never be barbequed The Cuz bought a lovely honey ham for all to enjoy on Easter. And then her stooopid hubby put the whole thing on the BBQ pit to "warm it up a bit." It tasted like a hot dog.

Glitter is a-no fun for any one Every year we have a confetti egg fight. And every year, I forget about the glitter. This year, I admit.. I started the egg fight with a couple of 9 yr old boys. Twenty five seconds later, they ganged up on me. I had to take a shower late last night to wash off the reminents of the confetti egg fight. Let me tell you.. there was glitter where no glitter should e-v-e-r be. Ever.

Note to self: Never start confetti egg fights with 9 yr old boys. They will win.

The city mouse went to the country I went to a small town called Angleton on Easter, which is right outside of Houston. It was actually really relaxing. We sat on the porch swing, talked amongst each other, BBQ'd, read celebrity gossip magazines, and generally had a good time. It was quiet, peaceful, sunny, and cool. Only drawback? Mosquitos. Ack! [my ass itches.. and not in a good way.. ]

Most Wanted

Today is opposite day.

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Q: Why do women have smaller feet then men?
A: So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q: How do you fix a women's watch?
A: You don't. There's a clock on the oven.

Q: Why do men pass more gas than women do?
A: Because women don't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, which do you let in first?
A: The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A women who won't do what she's told.

Q: What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A: Divorced.

HNT: Blurred Vision

Last Saturday night, Benefits Chick and I headed down to our favorite watering hole where we like to get our drink on and enjoy the scenery [the cute beertenders].

To make a good night great, you need the following ingredients:

After a while, though, your vision gets a little blurred:

Wanna get stoopid? See the man.

Marriage: Who needs it?

You have two choices in life:

You can stay single and be miserable,

or get married and wish you were dead.

-------------

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:

"Husband Wanted".

Next day she received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing:

"You can have mine."

------------

When a woman steals your husband,

there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

------------

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

------------

Then there was a woman who said,

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,

and by then, it was too late."

------------

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

------------

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking
they had no faults at all.

------------

A Woman's Prayer:

Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man , to Love and to Forgive
him , and for Patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll just beat him to death.

Horny-scopes

AQUARIUS

Jan 21 - Feb 19

Mental stimulation is more important to them than physical, which means that pornography gets them hot! Aquarians are impatient and like sex to be fast and satisfying. But they are also very particular about hyginene, so sleeping around doesn't interest them at all.

PISCES

Feb 20 - March 20

Sexually speaking, Pisces is putty in your hands. Anything you want, anything, is only a question away. If you're looking for somone who will go the extra mile to discover all your secret moan zones, then Pisces is for you!

ARIES

March 21-April 20

Aries is an explosion waiting to happen! The sexual excitement is often in the chase more than the actual conquest though. And while they may appear to want to dominate, they do not want a submissive partner. Routine brings boredom to sex for Aires, so if you're only comfortable with the missionary position, go for another sign. But if you like forceful personalities and enjoy pretending you're a human Preztel, then you've found paradise with an Aries.

TAURUS

April 21 - May 21

When a typical Taurus makes love, it's the most physical and natural pleasure in the world. They believe the romantic approach to sex almost always pays off so they will happily cook dinner, buy flowers, and light candles for someone of their affection. They don't like to rush things and take everything, including sex, slowly.

GEMINI

May 22 - June 21

Talking about sex is Gemini's favorite hobby and doing it comes a close second. Gemini's love flirting and attention from the opposite sex, but sometimes that's all they're looking for. They need a lot of variety when it comes to sex - spontaneous weekends away, a quickie in a store stockroom, serious groping under the table at a fancy restaurant.

CANCER

June 22 - July 23

Love and sex go together for Cancer. They need to feel secure in love before they can relax in sex. They are turned on by home cooked meals and partners who love kids. In so many ways, Cancer is the dream partner!

LEO

July 24 - August 23

Leos can be very "into themselves" when they have sex. It's not that they don't make their partner feel speical, it's just that they often forget about them as they secretly high-five themselves for scoring again! They like to perform... and they take requests!

VIRGO

August 24 - September 23

Virgos have two sides to their personality: the Virgin and the Vixen! They may want you to *think* they are all sweet and virginal, but they are definitely *not*! They tend to seduce with finesse, charm and sublety so you may not even realize you're being lured by a Virgo!

LIBRA

September 24 - October 23

Libra is one of the sexiest signs in the zodiac, but if Libra can't get what they want from one lover, they will opt for two or three! They are notorious for having double standards in that situation too. Libras are more turned on by giving than receiving.

SCORPIO

October 24 - November 22

Scorpios are very possessive, and they will tense up if you even *look* at another hottie across the room. Scorpios love sex: the dirtier, the better! Get them excited by revealing your filthiest fantasy and offering to act it out.

SAGITTARIUS

November 23 - December 22

Sags are playful, laid back, and oh-so fun to party with. They are wild, and may be the baddest part people you ever meet! One thing to be wary of is that Sags like to talk a lot of *bullshit*! Don't believe everything they tell you because they are the kings of "talking it up". Sags are spontaneous and adventurous and most have probably been caught doing it somewhere public.

CAPRICORN

December 23 - January 20

Capricorns are very good at hiding their emotions, so it's often hard to tell when they are truly, deeply in love. If you have a load of cash, you can almost bet on admiration from a Capricorn because the goat is turned on by money. Capricorn has great sexual stamina and the ability to go all night if they want to!

[By the way, I'm a Capricorn, and Secret Lover Boy is a Pisces! What's your sign?]

Wait a sec... lemme get this straight...

You sent a bus

to Louisiana

filled with Katrina evacuees



and you brought them back?

And I Can Turn a Grey Sky Blue

The other night I had a dream about my Long Distance Love. We were trying to put together a puzzle, or figure out a game, .. I couldn't figure out what it was.. and we were on a roller coaster, going around and around.. all the while, not knowing why we were there or how to put together the puzzle. The ride was fun, but it was complicated by the fact that we didn't know how to complete the task at hand.

I consulted my dream encyclopedia and cross referenced "lost" and "rollercoaster" and this is what it said:

"Many times life feels like a journey, and in dreamland, the journey becomes confused. Being lost can symbolize the lack of ability to make choices in your waking life. It can also mean a feeling of isolation or sense that motion is not leading to progress. If you are lost due to motion that does not lead to progress, you may be pretty ambivalent about whether your waking life is meaningful. Your ability to feel effective in life is being compromised in some area that needs a little examination."

Hmm... choices, choices, choices.. I'm such an indecisive person that making choices in my life is an on-going struggle in many areas. I think being the oldest child [and only child for ten years], I'm terrified of failure. Which is ironic, because I've failed so many times in my life, you'd think I'd be used to it by now.

This is one of the reasons why I'm terrified of relationships. I think to myself.. I'm sure I'll fuck it up somehow. I'm sure the blissful feeling at the start of the relationship will wear off and leave us indifferent and resentful.

I wonder how I became so cynical about relationships? I don't come from a broken family, I don't think any of my friends have gone thru a divorce, and I'm not hung up on some old hurtful reltaionship from the past.

Well, you know what they say about facing your fears, right? You should.. uh.. face them. So, I'm doing what any sane person who's deathly afraid of relationships would do... I'm jumping head first into the dating pool. So far, I've met a couple of different people, and as those relationships progress, I'll keep you updated.

Until then, if you have any dreams for my dream encyclopedia to analyze, just ask in the commets!

Toes, baseball, and wrestling

Toes at work I don't know if I've ever formally mentioned this on my blog or not, but I haaaate feet. Particularly, toes. Oh, I'm all about jeans and flip flops on the weekends, but what really irritates me are co-workers that show their toes at work. EWWWWWWW! Grosses me out to no end. A professional work environment like a corporate office is no place for nekkid toes. And don't you fucking dare ask me if those sandals look cute on you. Unless, of course, you think they would look cute with my barf all over them.

New cell phone I have a new cell phone! I mean, it's just like my other one, just new. I mean, it's not new, it's used, but I got it from eba ... nevermind.

Jenny from the block I'm just like jenny from the block. Except, I used to have a lot, and now I have a little.

Raining on my parade You notice how people always hate on you when you're happy. Like they can't leave well enough alone. I'm happy. I'm doin' mah thing. I'm cool, I'm chill. Then all of a sudden, people are all up in mah grill tryin' to aggrevate me. Trying to make me feel bad for this or sayin' negative things about that or telling me my flip flops don't match my shirt. That's alright. Keep pissing me off. I live in da ghetto. I know kung fu. I will go Chuck Norris on your ass.

Baseball season My most favoritest time of the year. I hope to see some games this year, and I will definitely document them with my new/old/same camera phone. I'll try to keep the baseball posts to a minimum, but I can't promise anything. ;)

Weekend Plans Tonight, about 8 co-workers and I are going to hit up a popular mexifood [damn, do I eat enough mexifood??] joint for some much needed nachos and margaritas. Later on tonight, Benefits Chick, her friend, and I are going to the Laff Stop comedy club again. I'll see if I can make out with another comedian while I'm there. Saturday night has become a ritual with Benefits Chick and I at my favorite bar/grill, where we sit at the bar and enjoy the scenery. The bar's scenery:












Random pics

The elusive Secret Lover Boy:

















Chibby Chibberson and I hand wrestled yesterday. I won.

















Have a good weekend, everyone!

HNT: Spinny Gal hearts DaMasta: Part Deux

[Hint: If you scroll down to the bottom, you get straight to the half-nekkidness.

If you're polite, you'll read the post. ;-)]

[This is a continuation from Part One. Wha? You don't wanna read it? Ok, here's the recap: Spinning Girl bought me a gift. And today, we're gonna find out what it is!]

So, I strapped my gift box into the car, and took my prize home!

What was it? Lo and behold: it was Burt Bee's Theraputic Bath Beads!

[From Derma Doctor]

The directions read: Blah, blah, warm, blah, blah, bath, blah, blah, candles, blah, blah, enjoy.

And that's just what I did.

Thank you, Spinning Girl. I luv you more than blog-life itself!

HNT: The Man. The Legend.

Spinny Gal hearts DaMasta: Part One

Wowza! I just received my first ever blogger present.

[That's where you get a gift from a blogger. Duh. I thought that was self-explanatory.]

Here's how it all went down:

What's in the box?

It was delivered to my desk at 11:50am on March 28, 2006.

I had no. idea. who it was from.

[Ok, I had some idea. Ok, I had all kinds of ideas because she actually told me she was sending it. I just pretended not to know because I like surprises.]

I had to use my laboratory-proven scientific method to make sure the package wasn't a bomb.

[Nope. I didn't hear any ticking.]

Next, I had to break thru the package's force field [packing tape] with my super evil laser weapon [scissors].

[Fun, foamy peanuts! Yayayayaayayayayay! I shall play with those later.]

I can't read, but I'm sure this card says something along the lines of: "Wow, DaMasta, you are the most beautiful of all creatures in the world. I would give my right eyeball just to look half as wonderful as you. You make me smile all the live long day. I wish to roll around in your bed everynight. Love always, Spinning Girl."

After hours and hours of playing with the white foam peanuts, I opened the gift box.

[Anyone know how to get foam peanuts unstuck from your.. uh.. lady regions?]

What is it?

Stay tuned for Thursday's HNT post to find out what Spinning Girl got me as a sorry-you-thought-you-had-a-hernia gift.

Believe you me, you won't be disappointed...

Where did that hour go?

I can never tell where the lost hour went. Which hour, exactly, did I lose?

Was it the hour of sex on Saturday morning?

Was it the hour I spent trying to keep the smoke alarm from going off while cooking in my apartment on Friday night?

Was it the hour I was trying to avoid this obnoxious drunk guy at the bar Saturday night?

Was it the hour I spent in the heat at the Children's Festival showing spawn how to make sock puppets?

Was it the hour of uncomfortable silence when The Ex showed up unexpectedly at my door at 8:00am on Sunday morning?

Was it the hour I spent doing laundry? [I hope it was that hour]

Was it the hour I spent wishing my Long Distance Love was in bed with me on Saturday night after the bar?

I wonder if it matters. Time is irrevelant, and yet, we're controlled by it. We plan, buy, think, sell, sleep, work, and wake by it. It's all around us, and it's irreplaceable.