quesadillas for breakfast

Thank you to the little people who made this blog possible.

Friday, December 30, 2005

Everyone is doing New Year resolutions. I, on the other hand, am taking a look at the year past. Every year-end I like to take stock of what I’ve accomplished. What went right. And what I improved on. Sort of miniature pats on my back for a year well done. Here’s what I’ve come up with:

-After giving up my sweet apartment in Clear Lake, my new SUV, and my kick ass salary, I went back to school to be a medical technician.

-After failing out of community college med-tech courses due to boredom, I landed my current job as a receptionist paying a third of the salary and living in a not-so-great part of town.

-This might seem like a step back, but it ended up being a blessing in disguise.

-I quickly realized that I love my job, I have a brand new car [albeit a Fuckus], and a studly guy to make out with on occasion.

-I partied a little too much during the summer, hung out with drunks and weirdos, but still ended up excelling at my job and getting hired on permanently and getting a raise!

-My Cuz got hired on permanently at the same company I work for, and she has become my best good friend. She is soo funny and wise and gives me the best advice.

-I lost Quesa, but at least I gave her a great life and now I have Chibby, a teenager rat that I rescued from Petsmart [the original owner brought her back and no one would take her home cause she wasn’t a baby rat anymore].

-Gas prices have gone down considerably and I survived a hurricane. AND a hurrication.

-My mother is the evil spawn of Satan, but at least I don’t live at home anymore! W00t.

-I have complete control of my finances, and I’m doing pretty great with that. [In past years, my bipolar symptoms would prevent me from taking control in a lot of aspects of my life]

-Speaking of bipolar, I don’t think I’ve had more than one episode this year, and that’s a great thing!! Yay for me. And, I didn’t even take any pills for it this year. Not a one.

-I started a blog in August, and now I have a whole mess of very great imaginary blog friends. Yay for you guys!

-This year has been great, and I would live it over and over again if I could. A lot of lessons learned and a lot of wonderful outcomes!

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Today's Cafeteria Menu:
Chicken Salad. Again.

If you're looking for my HNT post, get your scroll on. [in other words, look below this post]

This is a little something I stole from Anika, my evil twin. [She fuggin cracks me up by the way, which is a pretty hard feat to accomplish.]

Two is the Loneliest Number.

2 names you go by:
1. DaMasta
2. Crackhead

2 parts of your heritage:
1. Mexican
2. Taco Bell

2 things that scare you
1. Roaches [not those, the kind with legs]
2. The realization that I might get caught blogging at work [thanks, Thom]

2 of your everyday essentials:
1. Low-carb coffee
2. Underwear [going commando just grosses me out]

2 things you are wearing right now:
1. My rings [of course]
2. You, around my pinky [yes, you]

2 of your favorite bands or musical artists (at the moment):
[Ok, I’m going to break the rules and just tell you what 5 Cds I have in Fuckus’ 5 disc Cd player]
1. The Marshall Mathers LP by Eminem
2. Gordon by BNL
3. Nysnc’s Greatest Hits by NYSNC
4. Monkey Business by Black Eyed Peas
5. The Pulp Fiction Soundtrack

2 things you want in a relationship (other than real love):
1. Love letters
2. A cuddler

2 truths:
1. I secretly want a PT Cruiser. [don’t tell Fuckus]
2. I consider the University of Texas my alma mater, even though I never graduated from there.

2 physical things that appeal to you (in the opposite sex):
1. A nice chest. [for to rest my weary head upon]
2. A good smell. [this is a must. Bad cologne wearers need not apply]

2 of your favorite hobbies:
1. Telling funny stories to my family.
2. Making fun of my dad. [but ha-ha fun, not mean fun]

2 things you want really badly:
1. The ability to fly. [like Superman, not like American Express Airline Miles]
2. A camera phone.

2 places you want to go on vacation:
1. Thom’s mattress.
2. Spain [cause I can for real sometimes speak Mexican]

2 things you want to do before you die:
1. Kiss my first love just one more time. [So he can see what he’s missing]
2. Realize that my parents will never be proud enough.

2 ways that you are stereotypically a chick:
1. I’m am truly daddy’s little girl.
2. I wait for people to open doors for me when I walk into buildings.

2 ways that you are sterotypically not a chick:
1. I laugh obnoxiously out loud all the time.
2. I snort. Sometimes.

2 things you are thinking about now:
1. How much I like Bs’ HNT photos.
2. I have to pee.

2 stores you shop at:
1. Bath and Body Works [a girl can never smell too good]
2. CVS [they always have buy one get one free lipstick and a girl can never have too many lipsticks, either.]

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday, Everyone!

This week, the great and powerful Os has decided to have us post our favorite HNT photo from our own blog.

I quickly realized that it's harder than it looks to pick out my favorite picture of myself half nekkid. I haven't been doing HNT for very long, so the list of photos from which to chose was short.

And y'all have seen enough of my boobs already. Aren't you tired of them yet??

We've got boobs con quesa, boobs as gifts, ....

But my favorite boob shot is my holiday bling! Check it out!

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

During all my fury this morning, I compeletly forgot about Office Supply Wedneday.
Here's Spongebob wrapped around my favorite low-carb coffee drink: Wolfgang Puck.

I apologize in advance for this post. It's neither funny nor stoopid. It's serious.

I'm at a crossroads of sorts, and I don't know what to do.

Over the last five months or so, since I've been doing this blog, I've realized a lot about myself. I've learned what I won't tolerate from people. I've learned what traits I look for in a friend. I've learned what kind of people I want in my life.

In the past, and still a little today, I've been too trusting of people. Too easily let down my guard. Too easily taken advantage of. Too easily walked all over. But, I think now I've learned when enough is enough. I have standards set in my mind. I know what I like and don't like about people. I can tell when they are taking advantage of me and when they begin to push me around.

I've found the line. Now, do I have the guts to do anything about it? Therein lies the dilemma.

How do I tell Dim HR Chick that she has to relieve me no matter what. According to my boss, she's there to relieve me, and that's it. My boss said to me, tell her when to be up there at your desk, don't ask her. How do I do that? It's just not in me to be up front like that. [Hard to believe, I know.] I like my job, and I have no intention of making waves or wasting my energy on this co-worker. I've had to fire people before, and I didn't like it one bit. And now my boss is putting me in the middle of this whole drama. She asks my opinion about it. Most of the time, I'm speechless. I don't want to rock the boat either way. I'm sympathetic to Dim HR chick's personal strife she's going thru right now, but to what end? She's affecting my job, and now I have to change from being her friend to being the one that tells her when to relieve me. It used to be so easy, and now everything is complicated.

And how do I tell my friend, Lisa, that I don't approve of how she's raising her spawn? It's not my place. And we're not talking about discipline. We're talking about a child's basic needs. She doesn't read to her. She doesn't play with her. She doesn't take her outside. She doesn't stimulate her mind at all. And she doesn't think about what's best for the child all the time.

For example, Lisa lets her spawn bounce around the house, uncontrollably, while the child eats. And later, because she bounced around so much, the child throws up her dinner. Oh, and she never eats a balanced meal. Do I just quit being Lisa's friend so that I won't have to deal with seeing this child mistreated? Oh, sure, the child is happy, but in opinion, not taken very good care of. It's painful to watch. Should I say something to Lisa about it? Or should I just slowly fade away from the friendship altogether?

I don't have children. I've never raised one. And I don't presume it's easy. And I really don't presume that my way is the best way. But, something's gotta give. I just know I can't be wrong about how Lisa is handling this child.

How do I stand up for my beliefs? It sounds so cliche, I know. I'm a little embarrassed even as I type this. But, it's true for me. I know what my values are. I know what I believe to be good and honest. But, how to I convey my ideas to people? How do I attract the right people as friends? Lovers? Co-workers?

It's something I've been thinking about for a while now, and I can't ignore it any longer.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Monday, December 26, 2005

Number of times profanity was used during the unwraping of gifts on Christmas morning: 1
Number of times profanity was used by 5pm on Christmas Day: 5
Number of times someone said they were "high" during poker: 876
Number of times the word "pot" made me giggle during poker: 1,713
Number of times someone in my family made a sexual reference during Christmas: 32
Number of times profanity was used during the entire Christmas day: 27

Friday, December 23, 2005

Since everyone's gone for the holidays, I'm left sitting here at work with nothing to do but think about my birthday. It's coming up, you know, and I know you have something special planned for me. I just know it. So, I went around to google, trying to find some hint as to what ya'll have planned for me on my birthday.
Here's what I found:
Holy drunken Asian chicks, Batman! Whoever thought of inviting drunk Asian chicks to my party, YOU ROCK!! Fuckin' A!! This is going to be one kick ass party...
MmmMmm... birthday cake. Wait. What the fuck? Why did the horses melt? Why is that blonde chick melting off the side of the cake? Hmmm.... has to be Sweedish. They're nuts.
No and No. Yes, I like the Wizard of Oz. Yes, I have the collector's edition VHS tape. But under no circumstances are you to invite some crazy chick dressed as Dorothy to my party. And. absolutely. no. kareoke.
Bowling?!?!? WEeeeeeeeeeeee...fun!! But, wait?... Who are these fuckers? Uh uh. Nope. Birthday rule #746, no dorks allowed. Jerks, Idiots, Thomcats, Bullshitters, Limes, Dogs, Seahags, ok. But absolutely, no dorks.
Oh, look! That could be me many moons ago, if I had straight hair, were white, and a sweet innocent child once. But nope, just some random spawn celebrating her birthmas. [Christmas birthday]
Happy Holidays [or whatever], Everyone! I shall return Tuesday, the day of my birth.

Hey you!
Yeah, you.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Merry Half Nekkid Christmas!
This week, Os decided to send us flying into the giving spirit
by telling other bloggers what we'd get them
if we could get them whatever we wanted.
[Or something like that]
To ThomCat: Your poetic thoughts and decadent writing
has inspired me to be more creative in my own writing. Your love for beauty
and wonder about the world captivates me. Your stories and poems stir my emotions
and leave me wanting more. For all that and more, these boobs are for you.
To Wirthy: Ah, to have a boyfriend like you. Ready to commit.
So caring and understanding. So handsome and debonair. And always willing
to please. Ok, none of this is true, but I love ya anyways. So, Wirthy, these boobs are for you.
To Jinxy: Your job kicks my job's ass. You travel the world and share
wonderful stories with us on your blog. Your creativity and unnatural love for eating weird
combinations of food remind me of home. Your fur is soft and your heart, while black, is pure.
Jinxy, these boobs are for you.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Today's Lunch Menu:
Broccoli and Cheese Soup at Chili's

For once, I want to get laid on Humpday.

Man, this diet is really taking a toll on me. Emotionally. Physically. Bathroomly. I'm grumpy. Uncoordinated. [Who am I kidding, I was uncoordinated before all this.] I snap at people. I'm easily disturbed. No, that's not the right word. I'm easily excited. But in a bad way. In a wanna-just-snap-your-head-off-and-eat-it-for-breakfast way. Probably has carbs, tho.

Last night, my stoopid apartment gate wouldn't open using my remote, so I got out of the car and manually opened it. As I was going thru the gate, it started to close. As soon as I realized that it wouldn't sense my car there, I honked at the car behind me to signal that it needed to back up before my car got hit. They sat in their car and laughed. Too late. The gate hit my car, and then started to open again. As soon as I finally cleared the gate, I got out of my car [wrong move] and started yelling at the car behind me [can you see where this is going?]. A very hysterical chick and her gangsta boyfriend [did I mention that I moved to the 'hood to save money?] got out of the car and started yelling. I continued yelling. They flailed their arms. I continued yelling [from a distance]. They got all up in my grill [my face]. I got scared. Said, "Fuck you!" and ran back into my car.

This shit wouldn't happen if I had eaten mac and cheese for dinner like a normal person.

They're just lucky that today is Office Supply Wednesday.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Krazy K [my sixteen-year-old sister] is not called Krazy for no reason. Everyday, she enlightens me with her random thoughts and outrageous comments. Here are actual conversations between her and I.

[Context: My birthday is two days after Christmas, so the day after Christmas is my Birthday Eve. It's December 18th, and I'm trying to relay to Krazy K that tomorrow will be one month until her birthday. ]

Damasta: "Hey K, do you know what tomorrow is?"

Krazy K (excited): "Christmas Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve?!"

Damasta (confused): "No..."

Krazy K (getting a little anxious): "Your Birthday Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve?"

Damasta (a little annoyed): "NO!"

Krazy K (now, completely confused): "Then WHAT?"

Damasta (matter-of-factly): "Duh. Your Birthday Month Eve."


[context: I am driving thru the parking lot of Old Navy. This hispanic-looking lady rushes out in front of my car. I have to hit the brakes so as not to run her over]

Krazy K (oblivious to the fact that she herself is of Mexican origin): "Sheesh. Mexicans. You let them cross the border, and they think they can cross the street right in front of your car."


[context: I am eating meat and lettuce at my fav Mexifood joint, Chipotle.]

Damasta: "Damn, this salsa is HOT!"

Krazy K (leaning over to whisper in my ear): "ooOOOoo.... you're gonna have the runs."

Monday, December 19, 2005

Who moved my cheese?

This is Chibby. She's a blue-hooded rat. And God help her if she steals my cheese one more time. It's the only frickin' food I can eat these days. And if you look closely at the pic, you'll see little pieces of red fabric all over the bed. Yes, this is Chibby's idea of fun. Tunneling thru my Nautica comforter. Hmm. Yeah. Fun.

Look! Up in the Sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! No. It's Stolen Shit Monday!

My name is DaMasta. My friends call me E.

Childhood ambition: Corporate Lawyer or an Actress.

Fondest memory: That day at the beach with Secret Lover Boy.

Soundtrack: 50 First Dates, or anything with great 80s songs.

Retreat: Anywhere with a beach. I like the Moody Gardens complex in Galveston.

Wildest dreams: to live in NYC or LA. Either one.

Proudest moment: Getting this job. True, I’ve made more, been more important, but right now I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in life. Great job, new Fuckus, a cheap ass apartment, and all the imaginary blog friends I can handle!

Biggest challenge: Settling down. I’m sooo terrified of commitment. I mean really, I change the flavor of my toothpaste every time it runs out. Same goes for my deodorant. And my hairspray. And my soap. And my shampoo.

Alarm clock: 6am. That gives me a thirty-minute snooze cushion.

Perfect day: Breakfast at Disneyland [they have THE BEST french toast], Shopping at little boutiques, and a Candle-lit dinner on the beach watching the sun set.

First job: Senior Staff at AMC Theaters in Houston. Best darn job I ever had. Free movies and free popcorn. Who could ask for anything more?

Indulgence: Shopping, cute boys, driving too fast, and pretending that I'm famous.

Last purchase: Fruit2O at CVS near work.

Favorite movie: The Fifth Element, Pretty Woman, So I Married an Axe Murderer.

Inspiration: I am my own inspiration. Duh. I want to be just like me when I grow up.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

What in NO-CARB-DIETS is going on around here?

It's Day Seven, and I'm pissed. Meat, lettuce, eggs, and bacon. I can't [and won't] begin to tell you what's happening inside my belly. Something's amiss, that's for sure.

I've never eaten as much meat in my entire life as I've eaten in the last six days. You know what hell tastes like? Tacos with no tortillas.

And my mood is going down the slippery slope of diet frenzy. I started out hopeful and optimistic. Then I became concerned and doubtful. Now, I'm just plain pissed.

Damn you Taco Bell lady for not giving me extra steak even though I didn't get beans or rice in my Steak Bowl. Damn you Cuz for making your husband enchiladas while we had weiners with cheese. Damn you Secret Lover Boy for pointing out how snappy I am lately and further suggesting that I need to eat carbs to be happy again. Darn you Grandma [I can't say Damn to my grandma] for changing the subject when I asked if it looked like I had lost any weight yet. Damn you burger joint order taker lady for looking at me funny when I asked for no buns on my burger. Damn you mom for suggesting that I scrap this whole diet idea. Damn you holidays for falling right in the middle of my diet experiment. Damn you vendors at work for bringing baskets and barrels and trays and baskets and trays of cookies and candy and shit I can't eat.

All in all, it's been a shitty weekend.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Holiday Bling


Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Today's Cafeteria Menu:
Meat on a Stick
Side Order of Chicken

This is Day Three of the new carb-less DaMasta. The Cuz had the bright idea of starting a carb-less diet. I told her I would support her and try to do it also. Hey, I could stand to lose some LBs, right? So, the first rule of starting a diet is starting after the holidays. So much for that frickin' idea.

So, if you don't know what has carbs and what doesn't, let's look at it this way: whatever you eat - has carbs, whatever you don't eat - doesn't. I can't have any bread. No cereal. No fruit. No pasta. No smashed potatoes [I will miss these the most]. No tortillas [which makes it extremely hard to have a quesadilla]. No beans [which makes it even harder to be Mexican]. No rice. No juice. No ---

This could go on forever. And the hardest part about being on a diet, is remembering you're on one. Everything I reach for is forbidden. All my meals have been altered. Yesterday, for example, I had chicken salad with a side of chicken soup. For dinner, I had meat with lettuce. And at the end of day two with no carbs, I was weak and incoherent.

I can already tell this diet is going to be fun.

Today is also Office Supply Wednesday, ya'll.

This is my new and improved Ion Heater Thing-a-ma-jigger. They brought it to me on Friday. It goes up to 85 degrees. It even has a remote. This thing will rotisserize you. It has six heat settings, rotates or stands still, and has a timer.

This morning, I drove into work with my A/C on.

By the way, does anyone else see a fire hazzard when they look at this picture? [I'm not talking about the Ion Heater.]

My stoooopid singing mouse.

And don't think I won't slap the shit out of you if you make it sing while it's on my desk.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Today's Cafeteria Menu:
Whatever doesn't have carbs.
Which is probably what? Eggs and raw steak?

Let's gather 'round, everyone. It's time for another edition of:

Who's Googling Me? Since the discovery of Sitemeter, I've been absolutely amazed at what people can google to get to my site. Here are just a few discoveries that caught my eye.

Hematite, Missouri. Dec 9th, 10:33am. Google.com, "quesadilla reciept". This reminds me of my favorite comedian, the late Mitch Hedberg. If you know his material, then you know what I'm talking about. I can't see a situation where you would need a receipt for a quesadilla. And, trust me, you're not going to find it on the internet. And it's "i" before "e" except after "c", you moron.

****Mitch Hedburg's Quote: "I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. Man, I'll just give you money then you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it's at home, in the file... under D."****

Cleveland, Ohio. Dec 7, 10:36am. Google.com, "nickelodeon breakfast rhymes". I'm almost certain I've never talked about Nickelodeon on my blog before. Well, before now. *sigh* Ask and you shall receive. Mr. Ohio, this one's for you:
This morning I ate a cheese log
While watching the show CatDog.
I love to kiss my man, Lance
During SpongeBob SquarePants.
I hope my eggs and biscuits are done
By the time they air Zoey 101.

North America. Dec 5, 4:42pm. Google.com, "who invited quesadillas". Well, I never! Here's Mr. North America. He just had an argument with Mr. Quesadilla, and he's pissed. So he asks himself, Who the fuck invited quesadillas to North America? Well, Mr. America, I have no idea who invited Quesadillas, but frankly, I'm glad they did. Now get your panties out of a bunch.

Oviedo, Florida. Dec 8, 3:52pm. Google.com, "quesadilla favorite actor". Hmm.. that's a toughy. I liked Johnny Depp in Willy Wonka and the Quesadilla Factory, but Jessica Alba is hot in the new flick, Fantastic Quesadilla.

Mount Laurel, New Jersey. Dec 8, 4:06pm. Google.com, "different things to put in quesadillas". Well, Mr. New Jersey, you could go classic with chicken or cheese. Myself? I like to wrap a warm tortilla around a cute boy and nibble all night long.

Washington, D.C. Dec 12, 6:56pm. Google.com, "DJ Manwhore". And sometimes you just find what you're looking for.

Monday, December 12, 2005

1. What's on your wish list of gifts do you want really badly this year?
A cute boy in my stocking, a new camera phone, and more pictures of ThomCat.

2. What do you think the meaning of Christmas is?
One Day Sales, entertaining the family, and reflecting on the year.

3. Naughty or Nice?
You wanna find out?

4. To believe or Not to believe in Santa?
There better not be no fat man going down my chimney.

5. Do you plan to travel somewhere for Christmas?
The depths of Hell. Also known as my parents’ house.

6. Do you leave out milk and cookies?
No, I leave vodka and tonic. Makes for better gifts under the tree.

7. What's your favorite Christmas song?
Oh, man, I’m such a Christmas song junkie. I like Blue Christmas, Let it Snow, and Sleigh Ride.

8. Are you dreaming of a white Christmas?
Yes. Last Christmas Eve it snowed in Houston. All the way to Galvestion. The pictures below were taken in Galveston last year on Christmas morning.

9. Favorite reindeer?
Blitzen. What a kick ass name. If I ever have a spawn of my own, I’m naming him Blitzen.

10. Worse thing about Christmas?
My mom. God bless her for putting together extravagant dinners for Thanksgiving and Christmas. But she’s not good under pressure. And guess who she takes it out on? Ah, stress-induced fits of anger, my favorite.

11. Do you give to charities this time of the year?
I give to charities all times of the year. I have one charity in particular that I contribute to every year, and also one that I give to through work. But this is the only time of year that I give straight to the homeless.

12. When I say Santa - you say?
Creepy fat guy.

13. When I say Rudolph - you say?

14. When I say Frosty - you say?
Just like I like it.

15. When I say Jack Frost - you say?
Frost bite.

16. When I say Mrs. Claus - you say?
Poor lonely broad.

17. When I say Grinch - you say?
Evil bastard.

18. When I say Scrooge - you say?
My mother.

19. When I say Christmas tree - you say?
That's flocked up.

20. Do you put up a tree?
I had a tree. A fake one. With fiber optics. But it didn’t make it from my last apartment to my new apartment. Must be in apartment heaven, where all lost apartment items go when they are accidentally left behind. I also have a whole set of pots and pans in apartment heaven.

21. Do you decorate your house or your yard?
Since I have an apartment, [and no house or yard], I decorate my sofa.

22. What's your favorite Christmas drink?
Whatever can get me drunk the quickest.

23. Favorite or ideal Christmas dinner?
I think we should have turkey and all the fixings like normal people. My mother thinks we should have lasagna.

24. How many people do you usually buy for?
I usually only buy for about ten people. A few close cousins. A few close friends. But most of my money is spent spoiling my little sister.

25. Do you think the naughty should get a lump of coal?
No, I think the naughty should get a new camera phone.

26. What would be your idea of an ideal Christmas?
Getting leid in Hawaii.

Christmas in Galveston, 2004.

Snow in the sand. Galveston, Christmas 2004.

Dolphins in the snow. Galveston, Christmas 2004.

The famous San Luis Hotel. Galveston, Christmas 2004.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Today's Lunch Plans:
Lunch here with Hot Massage Guy, The Cuz, and some friends from work.

I forgot my rings again. And you know what happened last time I did that.

Today is not a good day to have a bad day. I have too much shit planned today. I have lunch plans. There's a sample sale here at the office. I have plans with my Ex tonight. I have a singing Christmas mouse on my desk. Things. Cannot. Go. Wrong.

Good morning, everybody. It's time for a little segment I call:
Welcome to My World.

-This is "Fuckus".
-He was born Jan 11, 2005.
-He is a small car with a big attitude.
-He has a Napoleon complex.
-He's got a manly scar on his bumper from when I tried to use him to stop a gate from closing. [Didn't work, by the way]
-He likes going to Taco Bell.
-He has a Jack Ball on his antenna.
-He is metallic.
-He hates it when I play Justin Timberlake [aka, Mr. J.T.]
-He almost lost an ear [side mirror] once.
-His windshield wipers are temperamental.
-I made him hang a Yankee Candle air freshner on his mirror cause sometimes he stinks.
-He tries to run over spawn all the time.
-He check to see if curbs are still there.
-He broke one of his fog lights when he got in a fight with a rock.
-He likes to race kids on bikes.
-He has a big trunk.
-He wants personalized plates that say: USUCK.
-He thinks he would be sexier if he was a truck.
-He giggles when I tell people that it's easy to drive cause his seats are high.
-He doesn't like Mr. Blinker cause he's too loud.
-He says cars with small tires can still get chicks.

His gnarly scar.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

A smartass reader pointed out to me that my candy bowl didn't have candy in it this morning.

I took the pictures below before I had a chance to fill it up, fuck you very much.

So, yes, not only do I have candy, but I have the good shit.

Today's Cafeteria Menu:
Grilled Salmon

How do you say Salmon? Is it SAL-mon? Or SA-mon? I guess I'll never know. [well, until you correct me in the comments].

Today is the 7th. In exactly 20 days, I will be 26 yrs old. I'm actually starting to dread my upcoming birthday. It'll mean that more than half of my 20s are gone. Done. Out the window.

It leaves me wondering, what's next? Will I be married in two years? [probably not]. Will I take over the company by the time I'm 30? [probably not]. Will I be really hung over on Dec 28th? [probably so].

What's next in your life?

Ok, let's switch gears a little. On the 7th day of Christmas, I went to the dollar store and bought for myself:

Some say it's because I'm so gosh darn high maintenance.

Some say it's to maintain my high.

Either way, leave a tip at the door.

Ok, boys and girls, you know what day it is. [all together now] OFFICE SUPPLY WEDNESDAY!

This is my 5" tall Christmas tree.

Guys, don't let girls tell you size doesn't matter.
It does.

Hopefully, next year I'll get a 7 or 8 [if I'm lucky] inch tall tree.

So, these are my candy cane pens I talked about yesterday.

I had a courrier come in the other day with a funny look on his face. When I went to sign the release slip for the package he was dropping off, he said, "Wait! You can't write with candy!" He was obviously very concerned and shaken that I would dare to attempt to write with a candy cane. I ignored him and continued to sign my name. He realized his own stupidity [I was waiting for this] and said, "OH. It's a pen. I thought it was a real candy cane."
Who the hell would sign a package slip using a real candy cane?

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Today's Cafeteria Menu:
Chicken Parmasean
Italian Green Beans

It's like Seseame Street. Which one of those things doesn't belong? Which one of those things just doesn't go with the others? I'm thinking the potatoes spoke Mexican to the cooks just so they could get on the menu today.

Last night, before I went to sleep, it was about 69 degrees outside. So I kept the air conditioner on. [I like it a frosty 65 degrees in my house]. This morning when I woke up, it was a blistering 32 degrees outside. So there I was trapped under the covers with the a/c on. So I stayed in bed until the last posible minute, and then ran to the living room and turned the heater on right before I froze to death. Whew. That was too close for comfort.

It's really starting to bug me that consumers are getting angry about retailers saying "Happy Holidays" vs. "Merry Christmas", or "Holiday Sale" vs. "Christmas Sale." I don't want to get into it on this blog, so please don't flame me in the comments. [Besides, Holiday comes from Latin words meaning Holy Day]. Listen, I think calling it Holidays is a way to avoid alienating certain religions and from a business stand point, expand our demographic. Whether you call it Christmas or Chrismahanakwanzica, this time of the year should be about the joy of the season, shopping at all the One Day sales you can find, and more importantly, my birthday. I love this time of year. I love the Chrismas songs being played in the stores. I love entertaining family and friends [mostly with my stories of disappointment and tragedy]. I love blowing my paycheck on my Secret Santa at work. I love it all. So just remember that however you celebrate this season, allow yourself to enjoy the company of others, however different they may be from you.

Duties I Perform Each Day Because I Have No Actual Duties to Perform Each Day:

1. Find time to decorate my five-inch tall desktop Christmas tree with paperclips and staplers shaped like stars.

2. Count the number of people who have the runs on Mexican food Thursdays.

3. Wonder why the hell we need 18 fucking wreaths in the building.

4. Try to explain to Loss Prevention why it is I keep taking pictures of objects on my desk every Wednesday.

5. Try to flirt my way into free samples with all the vendors. So far, just a free shirt and some cookies. Note to self: Show more boob.

6. Try to explain to dim HR chick that if she keeps missing work then, yes, she just might get fired.

7. Try to spell out “Bah Humbug” on my desk using only my candy cane pens.

8. Try to figure out who glued a Hershey’s kiss to the top of my computer.

9. Answer the phone “Happy Holidays” just to see how many people I can piss off.

10. Stalk all my blog lurkers and scare them into leaving a comment. I’m serious. Leave a comment or your dog Fluffy gets it.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Today's Cafeteria Menu:
Fajita Taco Salad
A la Charra Beans
Spanish Rice

I really really really don't feel like Mexican food today. Is it just me or does it seem like Texas is the only place where you can eat Mexican food seventy-two times a week and everyone thinks it's normal?

I'm freezing over here. I have my leather jacket on and a broken space heater at my feet, and I'm. fucking. cold.

Secret Lover Boy came over Saturday night. And as soon as we got into bed, we didn't get out until 6am this morning. So while I was in bed all yesterday, I wasn't exactly sleeping. Now, what I make up for in sexual dexterity, I lack in housekeeping skills. Namely cooking. The following conversation took place sometime between ordering breakfast tacos and a delivered pizza:

[Secret Lover Boy]: Food.

[DaMasta]: What do you want to eat?

[Secret Lover Boy]: Food.

[DaMasta]: Hmm..let's see. I could cook you some...

We both laugh at the obsurdity of the gesture.

[Secret Lover Boy]: What are you going to cook? Oatmeal and veggies? I think we should order pizza.

Just for the record, I have never cooked oatmeal and veggies. Too much work.

I went to Galveston on Saturday with my friend Lisa, Lisa's mom and dad, Lisa's brother and sister, and Lisa's spawn. I'm so mad that I didn't have a digicam cause it was DICKENS ON THE STRAND! The Strand is downtown Galveston. Every year near Christmas, they have a big Victorian celebration. Oh, what a grand time we had watching all the freaks dress up in Victorian costumes. It was a good thing we arrived late, because I narrowly dodged a mass wedding at noon.

When I went to go pick up Lisa, her Spawn [an adorable three year old girl] and I had a little conversation about Christmas, how bad she's been all year long, and where Santa lives.

[DaMasta]: Hey baby! How cute are you!

[Spawn]: DaMasta!

[DaMasta]: You know Santa's coming soon?! Have you been good?

[Spawn]: No.

She continues.

[Spawn]: DaMasta, where does Santa live?

[DaMasta]: The IcePole.

[Spawn]: The IcePole!!!.....................DaMasta, where's the IcePole?

I really shouldn't drink before engaging in conversations with impressionable three year olds.

And if you haven't done so already, please play along with the mad libs on the previous post and leave a comment won't ya.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Just a little weekend fun.

This was stolen from the Half-Nekkid God himself, Osbasso.

Just fill in the blanks, and leave your answers in the comments. [Oh, go tag yourself, T.]

01] I _____ DaMasta.

02] DaMasta is _____.

03] If I were alone in a room with DaMasta, I would _____.

04] I think DaMasta should _____.

05] DaMasta needs _____.

06] I want to _____ DaMasta.

07] Someday DaMasta will ___.

08] DaMasta reminds me of _____.

09] Without DaMasta _____.

10] My memories of DaMasta are _____.

11] DaMasta can be _____.

12] The worst thing about DaMasta is _____.

13] The best thing about DaMasta is _____.

14] I am _____ with DaMasta.

15] One thing I would like to know about DaMasta is _____.

16] DaMasta should go and _____.

17] DaMasta, _____ me.

Today's Cafeteria Menu:
Beef Stew

I'm getting sick. I get a fucking promotion, and now I'm getting sick.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you. When I was hired on at XYZ Fashion Corporation, I was just a lowly temporary employee. Starting today, I am officially permanant. While this doesn't change my title: Receptionist Extrodinaire, this does mean fatter paycheck and benefits. Now I can finally get that tattoo of Loves A Lot Bear removed from my ass.

On the first day of Christmas, The Cuz gave to me:

A pink jewelry box from Wally World.

Just a reminder, my birthday is in 25 days, and I accept all forms of cash, gifts and/or handcuffs.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Today's Cafeteria Menu:
Spanish Rice
A la charra beans

Seems like they are serving more and more Mexican food these days. Ya know, contrary to popular belief, you can be too cavalier with beans. Maybe now that the Mexicans have formed a union, they feel the need to spread their Mexico-ness everywhere. Whatever the reason, I'm starting to feel a little sick, and it either has to do with enchiladas or those runny eggs in the morning. It just dawned on me that most people might not know what a tostada is. Allow me. It's a flat crisp shell with meat, beans, lettuce, tomatoes, cheese and sour cream piled on top. Some people call it a Chalupa, but they would be stooopid. If there's one thing Taco Bell has taught me, it's that this is a Tostada. Let me show you:

Well, today is a very special day for me. Not only is it the beginning of the Christmas season, it is the beginning of my birthday month. Yes, that's right, yours truly was born two days after Christmas. So, let the countdown begin: 27 days till my birthday. w00t. Soon, I will be compiling lists of my birthday wishes. [Most people make lists for Santa, but that guy gives me the creeps. Plus, I want to keep the focus on the important thing - me.]

I know HNT is today, but I'm afraid I won't be showing any pics. I was waaay too busy last night picking up the newest member of the DaMasta household: a cute little blue-hooded rat! Yes, that's right, I said blue. They are fairly rare, and she was a great find. I will have pictures soon, but just to give you an idea, this is what a blue-hooded rat looks like:

HNT Archives

If you really need to tickle your HNT bone, just check out my previous posts.

Boobs Con Quesa

Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes

How Many Licks Does It Take?

Heh, I said bone.