Southern Dent-hell

Scheduling a dentist appointment with a fucking huge ass dental company, who employs (as I found out) only the stoopidest people on the face of this Earth, shouldn't be like pulling teeth.

Here's how it all went down.

*brrriiiiing*

(the call first goes to the central call center. you'd have to know someone important to get to actually talk to a local office employee.)

Dumbass Dental Employee: Hello, this is Dumbass Dental Employee of Dumbass Dental Company, how may I completely avoid your question and refuse to help you?

DaMasta: Hi, I was a patient at the Dumbass Dental Company in Clear Lake a couple of years ago, and I have new insurance and such now, and I was wondering if you guys still have me on file?

DDE: Ok, sure, so you want to make an appointment?

DM: Well, no.. firs---

DDE: Yes, we have your files here, says you had United Healthcare.

DM: Well, yes, I did. But I've changed now. I have Delta Dental. And it says here that you guys take those plans.

DDE: Well, we'd have to verify your insurance. It doesn't look like it's been verified yet.

DM: Um. Right. Cause, ya know, I just called you and told you that I have different insurance.

DDE: Yes, ma'am. You used to have United Healthcare. Do you not have that any more?

DM: Um. No. But if you'll hand me that bat, maybe I can beat it in your head that I've gotten new insurance.

DDE: Excuse me, ma'am?

DM: Nevermind. Yes, I have new insurance.. do you need the 800 number and my member number to verify it?

DDE: Um.. we don't verify insurance.

DM: What?

DDE: Yeeeah, we wait for a list of people who are newly covered this month, and we haven't gotten August's list yet. You'll have to wait till we get it.

DM: I've been covered for a while. I wouldn't be on that list. Can't you just call--

DDE: I'm sorry ma'am, you'll have to wait till the list comes in.

DM: So, you can't schedule me an appointment at. all. even though I have insurance?

DDE: Not until the list comes in. Or until your insurance gets verified.

DM: Listen, can you just transfer me to the local office? I'm tired of talking to you.

DDE: And what is the call regarding?

DM: WTF?!?! Um.. let's see.. it's regarding me needing to speak to someone at the local office and about you not being able to help me.

DDE: Umm... ma'am.. they won't let me transfer a call for that reason.

DM: Well then tell them whatever will get the call transfered to them.

DDE: ....

DM: Listen, you're acting like you don't want to transfer the call.

DDE: No no, it's not that..

DM: Do you even work for Southern Dental?

DDE: Ma'am, I've been working here for several years.

DM: Then transfer my call.

(My call was transfered to the local office in Clear Lake where the receptionist told me that I needed to go thru the call center to get my insurance verified and to schedule an appointment. After explaining that the representitives at the call center lacked the vital intelligence it took to perform such tasks, I was put on hold for ten minutes and no one ever picked up the line again. I then called a local private practice and in five minutes the receptionist booked an appointment and verified my insurance for me. God help the call center girl if I ever cross her path.)