Goings on.

Yup.

When we last talked, I was reconnecting with an old classmate from high school named Michael.

He just got out of a long relationship. Fiance, rented house in a ritzy neighborhood, about to graduate college.

He was very upfront. We made out something good and then decided to spend some time apart. This was a mutual decision. I told him, call me in a few weeks, let me know what's going on. We obviously liked each other. Obviously.

Two weeks went by and he called me. He wanted to see me. I fell for it. A girl has her needs, right? Justify it all you want, it's still too soon. I slept with him that night.

And again a week later.

Only on Thursdays. Only when his week was over and he had some time to see me. Only on his terms. Regardless if I had to wake up early the next morning. I would drive. 60 miles north. 60 miles to see him. 60 miles of regret on the way home. And holy damn, my gas bill was outrageous last month.

Everytime I spoke with him he mentioned it feeling good to ''do his own thing.'' Yup. He would call me. He would text me. Yet. He wanted to ''do his own thing.''

Saturday night:

Michael: "I'm at work, and I feel like shit.''
Me: "Aw.. I'm sorry sweetie, are you sick?''
Michael: ''I don't know. It sure feels that way.''
Me: ''Well, call me when you get off work if you need anything. I'll bring you whatever.. meds, soup.. just let me know.''

I heard nothing from him until he got off work. And then he called me.

"Hey Erica.. I just got off work.. I took a shower, I feel much better now.''
''Good! I'm glad.. so what are you going to do tonight?''
"Oh, you know.. stay at the house.. do my own thing..''
''Oh really? Hmm.. maybe I should do my own thing too.''
''Yeah, that would probably be best.''
''Yeah, I think I should just leave you alone..''
''Right. Before we go any further.''
"Well, I don't know how we can go any further.. but.. yeah.. whatever.."
''Ok, I'll call you tomorrow.''
"Yup.''

Two days later and I haven't heard anything. I think it's pretty much done.

Later that night, my ex called me and asked if he could come over. He was on his way back from a fishing trip and my apartment was on his way home. So I said sure. Yeeeah. Bad decision on my part. Nothing happened, I fell asleep on the couch and he fell asleep on the floor and he left around 2am. But when he was at the door leaving, he paused... like he wanted to kiss me or something.. I just said go ahead and open the door.. like I didn't know what he wanted. He left. The next day he called me and said he loved me. I shuddered at the thought.

I liked him a long time ago. A time before high school. Nearly 13 years ago. The day for him and I has passed.

I pulled up a number that I hadn't used in a while.. this guy named Keith that I met at a happy hour about a month ago. We talked, I visited with him for a little while the other night. He was excited to see me. I thought.. ok, cool. Yeah... no. He texted me the first night at 4am, the second night at 2am. Finally I said.. I'm not a hooker or your booty call, so what's the deal with texting me in the middle of the night?! I got an apology minutes later, but I wasn't satisfied with that.

Also, I'm completely in love with Brandon, and I wish he wanted me forever. And then I feel like an ass for wanting that because he has a girlfriend. It kills me.

I want what I can't have. I feel so alone even when surrounded by friends. No matter who calls me, I want it to be someone else. I feel so defeated. Such a failure.

Damn the life of a single girl.