The Most Terrible Awful No Good Very Bad Dream

The worst dream I can possibly imagine and most vividly remember is one where I'm going back to college [most times against my will].

I'm getting ready for class: I have my books, my supplies, my bag. My shoes are on, my hair looks great, I'm ready to go. One more glance in the mirror reveals a horrible sensation. I realize that I'm going to class and not to work. I frantically search for someone around me to explain to me what's going on. I had a job, I reason, an apartment, a car.. what happened? I was living on my own.. I was happy.. why was I back home? Holy shit.. why is all my stuff in boxes? Where's my apartment? This must be a mistake. I need to call my boss.. there's got to be a way they can hire me back. Take all these boxes back, take them back to my apartment..

I remember hating college. On a very deep level. Deep in my soul I hated it.

I wasn't a good test taker. I didn't read any college texts until my 3rd year. I relied mainly on my memory of the lectures, and on my keen ability to take good notes. That got me as far as my sophomore year. I had a solid GPA up until then. I always did have good marks in school. It wasn't academically challenging. Or was it? After my 2nd year, was is so challenging that it made me nervous? Anxious? I would desperately fear failure. I would choke on major exams, and worry about them all night and not study. I remember being overcome with grief and I withdrew myself into a small coed dorm room the size of a jail cell. I would avoid class in order to avoid responsibility. Avoiding responsibility made me lose focus and let class days drift away. I missed tests. I showed up for finals, only able to regurgitate hazy segments of classes attended. In truth, I missed home terribly. I was absent when family members were lost, and I had fallen ill during the last semester of college. After coming back to Houston for my final surgery, I decided that I didn't want to attend college any longer, and the decision to leave my then live-in boyfriend made everything final.

I left the University of Texas in Austin in 2001, and took an internship in Houston. I haven't stopped working since. I've gone back to school a couple of times, and failed due to anxiety. I don't tell people about my lack of desire to continue my education. I think they percieve it as a weakness. An outrage, even. I usually just tell them 'someday'. When I really mean 'never'.

And I haven't been back to Austin since.