Going down the only road I've ever known..

*looks around* Wow. This shit looks familiar. Like I've been here before. Like I've been here every fucking day of my life. Ok, not that often, but often enough. Every damn time I think I'm ammuned to it. But it taunts me; it looks so alluring. With its promises of good times and lust ever-lasting. I can't believe I fell for that shit again. Lol... I must be a hell of a lot dumber than I thought.

The following is my journal entry from last night.

I have no idea why I let myself fall into the same fucking love patterns again and again. Maybe I've done so much wrong in my life that Karma is kicking my ass all the way to the grave.

It seems like I let myself fall for the most amazingly kind-hearted, emotionally unavailable men I can find. Sure, assholes and deadbeats flock to my door by the thousands, but what's worse than putting my heart and hope on the line for someone who never intends to be with me?

It is a bitter-sweet connection that has occupied my life for the past couple of months. [And yes, he's probably reading this post right now!]

He's my match. He has all the qualities I've hoped to find. He's kind, funny, incredibly attrative and he finds my sense of humor and personality endearing. All wonderful qualities to possess. All except one. He's attached. Not married, but damn near close enough. And once again, I have fallen for someone who is completely out of my reach.

The physical distance isn't even my main concern, either. He lives in a different state, and it's not all that far away - but there might as well be an ocean between us. An ocean full of complications and consequences. An ocean full of what-ifs and never-will-bes. Sadly, it's a place with which I'm all too familiar.

For those of you unfamiliar, it's a place filled with false hope, disaster, self-doubt, and the most amazing love I've ever felt. One minute I'm floating on a bed of clouds and the next I've fallen into the same fucking self-destructing behavior I've grown accustomed to. But this man in particular has made me the happiest I've been in a fucking long time. Probably ever. Yes, the happiest ever. [And, by the way, why do we always try to convince ourselves that this man, this time, it's different. This situation is different. This time it will work out. Aren't we just setting ourselves up for disappointment?]

And this time down the lane of unfullfilled love stories, I know myself and I am completely aware of what is happening.

In this age of self-indulgence and instant gratification, I've allowed myself to sit back and watch my heart submurse itself into something I know it can't handle. I know this is going to hurt. And I know I'll be the one left empty-handed at the end of the night. I know he'll end up marrying her for fear of being alone, and I'll be left picking up my own fucking pieces. Again. A-fucking-gain. And I'll be the one saying 'I told you so' to myself. And I'll be the one settling for someone else within my reach. Always wondering what-if.

Is it fair to ask him to be with me instead of her? Of course not. It feels right, but it's not. Why do I always fucking put myself in these impossible situations? I know I can't win. But, dammit, I try. There's nothing to be gained by going thru the heartache. He won't leave her, and he has no intention of being with me. He won't say it out loud, but he doesn't even consider it a possibility.

It's just a reminder that I can't be the person I think I am. A person who knows when to stop at the line and to never cross it. However tempting and absolutely perfect the other side might seem.

I can feel a heart-break coming on. It won't be long now.