It never fails. Every fucking time I believe him and every time I end up disappointed.
Secret LB told me last week that he was going to try to quit drugs. Not just dope, the hard stuff. The stuff I won't mention on my blog. He was so proud of himself when he only smoked one J and drank one beer. He didn't even touch the other stuff. I was proud, too.
Why am I so naive? Why do I believe him time and time again?
Last night I called him twice. He didn't answer. I forgot he went to parole.
Damn. I forgot about parole. I waited until 8:30, then I called him again. This time he answered.
"Hi", I said, nervously.
"Hey."
"What are you doing?"
"I'm at my cousin's house."
"Oh, yeah?"
"Yeah, time to celebrate."
"Celebrate what?"
"I went to parole today -"
"Yeah?"
"-well, they let me go. I'm home. I'm not going to jail, so I'm celebrating."
"So, you're getting fucked up?"
"Yeah. Listen, I'll call you later."
Fuck. He must have sensed my panic, so he hung up with me. Fuck. He's taking bumps again. God, I hate that. I feel so helpless. What am I supposed to do? I can't just sit here and worry about him. One of my friends came over, and we sat and talked about babies and drugs and the fact that if either of us wanted to have a baby some day, then Secret LB and I had to stop doing drugs and straighten up now. Now, rather than later. I wanted to have his child. I wanted to give him a son. He told me once that having a son would change his life.
Why was I even thinking about children? What had come over me? Why was I feeling like this?
I agreed with everything she said. And when she left, the after thoughts of the conversation sent me into a crazed panic mode. I had to talk to LB. I had to tell him about having babies. I had to tell him to stop doing drugs. What about our future, I would say. What about our babies?
I am sure glad he didn't answer the phone when I called him. It's like he has this innate sense of what I am about to do. He knows when I'm in a panic. He knows when not to answer the phone. Who was I to tell him to stop doing drugs? What the hell was I thinking about wanting to have his kid? Why was I all of a sudden in a rush to change my life? His life? Why did I feel so scared that I needed to talk to him?
Last night I was pissed. But this morning? I'm thanking my lucky stars that he did not answer that phone.
posted by DaMasta @ 8:54 AM
4 Comments:
WOW, I have never taken drugs. How did you get started? Try and stop, life is better without them! :) I know who the heck am I telling you to stop....It is what popped in my head and went thru to my fingers and it got typed. I enjoy talking to you and the others, drugs are bad, I would hate to see something happen to you.
I just started this year, and I'm 25 yrs old. It was b/c of hanging out with Secret LB and his friends. And then I found other friends that did it, and so on. But I'm a conservative type of person, so I don't do it all the time, just with LB. I need to stop tho. Especially during the day like on Sat or Sun. It's turns me into a paranoid, guilt-ridden mess. I feel bad when I crash.
Thanks for visiting!
it's hard to watch a close one throw their life away ... because you can't make them quit, it has to be their decision. as a good friend, it is hard to watch the self destruction ... just have faith that someday, something will make him change his mind ...
I'm not even ready to go there with him. To try to change him. I just want to be friends. Let's just keep it at friends. It's not complicated that way. Just the way I like things. Simple.
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