I apologize in advance for this post. It's neither funny nor stoopid. It's serious.
I'm at a crossroads of sorts, and I don't know what to do.
Over the last five months or so, since I've been doing this blog, I've realized a lot about myself. I've learned what I won't tolerate from people. I've learned what traits I look for in a friend. I've learned what kind of people I want in my life.
In the past, and still a little today, I've been too trusting of people. Too easily let down my guard. Too easily taken advantage of. Too easily walked all over. But, I think now I've learned when enough is enough. I have standards set in my mind. I know what I like and don't like about people. I can tell when they are taking advantage of me and when they begin to push me around.
I've found the line. Now, do I have the guts to do anything about it? Therein lies the dilemma.
How do I tell Dim HR Chick that she has to relieve me no matter what. According to my boss, she's there to relieve me, and that's it. My boss said to me, tell her when to be up there at your desk, don't ask her. How do I do that? It's just not in me to be up front like that. [Hard to believe, I know.] I like my job, and I have no intention of making waves or wasting my energy on this co-worker. I've had to fire people before, and I didn't like it one bit. And now my boss is putting me in the middle of this whole drama. She asks my opinion about it. Most of the time, I'm speechless. I don't want to rock the boat either way. I'm sympathetic to Dim HR chick's personal strife she's going thru right now, but to what end? She's affecting my job, and now I have to change from being her friend to being the one that tells her when to relieve me. It used to be so easy, and now everything is complicated.
And how do I tell my friend, Lisa, that I don't approve of how she's raising her spawn? It's not my place. And we're not talking about discipline. We're talking about a child's basic needs. She doesn't read to her. She doesn't play with her. She doesn't take her outside. She doesn't stimulate her mind at all. And she doesn't think about what's best for the child all the time.
For example, Lisa lets her spawn bounce around the house, uncontrollably, while the child eats. And later, because she bounced around so much, the child throws up her dinner. Oh, and she never eats a balanced meal. Do I just quit being Lisa's friend so that I won't have to deal with seeing this child mistreated? Oh, sure, the child is happy, but in opinion, not taken very good care of. It's painful to watch. Should I say something to Lisa about it? Or should I just slowly fade away from the friendship altogether?
I don't have children. I've never raised one. And I don't presume it's easy. And I really don't presume that my way is the best way. But, something's gotta give. I just know I can't be wrong about how Lisa is handling this child.
How do I stand up for my beliefs? It sounds so cliche, I know. I'm a little embarrassed even as I type this. But, it's true for me. I know what my values are. I know what I believe to be good and honest. But, how to I convey my ideas to people? How do I attract the right people as friends? Lovers? Co-workers?
It's something I've been thinking about for a while now, and I can't ignore it any longer.
posted by DaMasta @ 8:17 AM
17 Comments:
Certainly both are very difficult situations. As far as the work one goes, your job is way more important than being 'friends' with the dim HR chick. Keep than in mind next time, you need to tell her to relieve you. It is difficult to tell co-workers what to do, trust me I know. However, I have to tell people what to do on a daily basis - its just a part of my job. You get used to it after a while.
I know, Bs, but I hate being in the middle of all this drama. I finally found a job I like. I finally found somewhere I'm happy. And only five months into it, I'm in the middle of office drama. Dim HR chick is leaving in a week, but her clan will still be here. Hopefully, when The Oracle hires a replacement for her, the drama will cease.
I just get tired of being walked all over. I get tired of being the bad guy. When is enough enough? How do I say what I want without offending anyone?
Well, if someone HAS to be there, and everyone knows this, just tell her. YOu don't have to be a bitch, or mean just say "Hey, go cover for me til I get back. Thanks." If that doesn't work, then explain it to her that it HAS TO BE DONE. That being said, DO NOT start out anythin gby saying" look, I don't mean to be a bitch..", all it does it make you look like a bitch.
Now, for the kid thing. Don't ask me E, people get all uptight about kids. "If I want to let my baby, play with matches and juggle propane tanks, I can do it! It's MY kid!"
All, I can say is, maybe try dropping some hints.
"Maybe jumping around makes the kid sick? I don't know, I don't have kids, is that natural?" Maybe then, she'll think it's her idea to make the kid sit down and eat.
Of course, my "jerk" response to both things is "Damn Erica, just smack that bitch!", I realize this isn't always the best response.
Office politics are really hard to avoid, try like hell as I might I do get caught up in some dumb shit. Usually it all works out in the wash though.
LOL..yeah, Jerk, I don't think my situation would improve if I just went around bitch slapping everyone! Been there, done that, tho! I just have such a problem when I am friends with someone at work, and then I have to "make" them do something.
As for the kid situation, that's a really good idea! I should try that. Subtle hints. Hmm... nope, never tried that before, but what the hell...I'll give it a shot! It looks like I have to learn how to relay my ideas to people. How to show them my ideas without telling them that's what they should do.
I hope it works out ok, B. I'm sure it will. My boss absolutely loves me, but I don't want this drama to make me look bad in the long run. How does it look when only five months into a job, I'm in the middle of drama. This is bringing down my stock, and dim hr chick will have to pay!!! Mwaahaahaa!
Those are tough situations. With the DIM HR Chick, I would just shoot her an email and tell her something like 'I need break/lunch and [specified time]'. Don't give her an opportunity to make any of the decisions. It's succinct, and still friendly if you close the email with a 'Thanks!!!'
About Lisa, that's very very difficult. There is no way to tactfully discuss parenting skills with someone. Especially when you don't have kids, they always take it the wrong way, and get hurt.
Ahhh, the crossroads...
Here is my two cents, at a bargain price.
Situation #1
Work, she is messing with your job, that is NOT OK. You take care of it decently, but you deal with it. Don't try to be her friend, just respectfully make the requirement that she do her job. You have to learn to deal with this now, or you will be putting up with this kind of thing until you die.
Situation #2
Dealing with this one is trickier and depends entirely on WHY your friend allows this sort of thing. Does she not know better? Was she raised very strictly and is reacting by having no healthy boundaries with her own child?
If you feel you ought to talk to her, feel your way slowly and back off if you get back off signals.
If you can't handle being around it and she won't change then yeah, you may need to distance yourself. I have friends I only see when we can work out a way to get together without kids.
The bigger issue is, can you learn to let your sense of what is right motivate your personal life and business life choices in a way that is thoughtful, respectful of others and honest.
Its not easy but yes, you can.
It may cost you some relationships and cool points, but you can be guided by your internal sense of what is right...if you choice to.
Little stimulus and poor diet lead to impaired neurological development, poor speech development, as well as stunted psychosocial development. If your friend is young maybe she needs to read more. As a society we do not do a good job of preparing young parents for raising their spawn. It's pretty much left up to them to read and ask for advice. Does your friend even know the developmental milestones? If not that could be a subtle way to lead into a conversation. Then give her a book, see if she takes the bait.
At least it will not be seen as a personal attack on her child rearing skills.
Sherri - About Dim Chick, yeah, my boss suggested that I do that. Just tell her what time to be here and that's that. She always comes back with a reply though, and that's why now I've started Copying my boss on those emails. It'll work out, though, I'm sure. And yeah, I don't want to offend my friend Lisa when it comes to her parenting skills. It's just disturbing to me to see such ignorance.
Logo - No, it's quite the opposite. She was raised with little or no boundaries, and now I guess that's all she knows. She doesn't want to limit her child in any way. She has a good concept, but a bad approach. She shouldn't limit a child's creativity. Or a child's wonderment about the world. But you should tell a child to eat right. You should play with your child and teach her to interact with others. And right now, I have to do the same thing you do with your one friend. I have to plan things that only Lisa and I can do. It's getting really exhausting trying NOT to tell her how I feel.
the work thing seems to require being really direct. painful as that may be.
the kid thing, definitely need to be subtle there. unsolicited parenting advice is rarely taken well. wait for an opportunity to presnet concernes gently when they might be well recieved. liek if friend is expressing exasperation at something like the puking....then you can say gently, 'maybe less bouncing woudl be a good idea.' as for the mental stimulation youcan lead by example. when youvisit, bring a book and sit down and read with the girl or bring her into cnversation that gets her thinking, stuff like that.
Jacopo - She doesn't know the first thing about parenting. She's young, which is not to say that young people don't know anything about raising children, but she is clueless...I'll tell you that.
So, no, she doesn't know about milestones. She doesn't know about boundaries. She doesn't know about the mental development of children. She doesn't know that jumping up and down while you eat will cause you to spew.
It's so frustrating to watch.
This whole thing is completely asinine. Everything everybody said to far is crap.
Sure, everybody wants to comfort you on the Dim HR chick situation, but stand back and see it as it is. Dim HR chick surely doesn't like to be bothered by relieving you. Would you? I'm sure that she has things she is working on. Are you even giving her any warning? My advice, since you asked for it, would be to send this email to Dim HR chick.
"Dim HR Chick,
From now on, I will be taking my lunch break from 12:15 - 1:00. I will be taking 15 minute breaks at 9:45 and 3:30. Please relieve me at these times. If there are any other reasons I might need you to cover me, I will be sure to notify you as soon as I can and I will try to keep impromptu requests at a minimum.
Thank you,
Ms E."
Then, when you have a meeting with your boss or something, let her know about it as soon as it's on your calendar. You should also send her a reminder email in the morning on the days you need special coverage. If after all this, you still are getting grief, then you have an issue to take to your boss.
Speaking of your boss, she is an ass for asking your opinion. You don't have an opinion, either Dim HR chick is covering for you or she is giving your crap (after you set up the arrangement I outlined above.) If your boss is pulling you away at unannounced times, you should say to her "Sorry, this time does not work for me. Could you please set up meetings for me through the email system so that I can notify DIM HR chick when I will need her to cover for me?" Simple and effective. Hopefully your boss is not a complete maroon.
There problem #1 solved.
Now, you should never ever tell somebody how to raise their kids. Ever. Never. Ever. Even if she asked, "Do you think I am raising my child right?" you have to be VERY subtle. Instead, if you really cared about your friend and her kid, you could do all the things for the kid that she isn't. When you are visiting your friend, take a few minutes to read the kid a book and play a game with her. Ever babysit for her? Perfect opportunity to set your house rules. Ex: "No, I do not allow running around in my house while we eat." The kid will then be begging to go to "Auntie E's" house. Maybe then, your friend will get the hint.
Please don't buy her a parenting book.
----
That was a lot of typing. Tomorrow, you are just getting a "Hello, have a nice day."
Looking - Thanks for the great advice! You have such wonderful ideas!
My dad actually suggested that about Dim Hr Chick. But I've just been too chicken shit to try it. Maybe I should.
And, yeah, I kinda do that when I babysit for Lisa. I set boundaries in my home, I make her sit down to eat, and I tell her "no" - something her mother never does.
And ya know what? She does always want to come to Auntie DaMasta's house! She loves me! She always wants to visit.
But, I haven't babysat for a while now, and I'm starting to lose faith that Lisa will ever ever change.
Delegation and confidence in your authority are tricky beasts to master.
My advice? Just tighten your belt, grit your teeth, and in a polite but firm way way, give the command. You'd be amazed how much people are like doggies when you do this.
Flip side, wait too long or be wishy-washy and it blows up in your face.
My $0.05.
Oh, and your boobs aren't too big.
Damasta I am so sorry that I am just now getting over here but if you look around blogland you will see that I haven't been around much lately , anyways, with the work situation , I agree that it is hard to do but like Bsoholic said , your job is more important . I have been put in situations like that and I hated it when it happened and that is why I feel so lucky to be fortunate enough to have an office at home . I don't have to deal with office politics that always arise .
With your friend Lisa and her child , I would sit and just casually slip in questions about some of the things you are seeing . From what you have described I have to agree with you on this one . Every child needs to be played with , read to , made to eat at the table or at least sitting still and most importantly they need to be taught a well balanced diet because that is why everyone is obese these days . They reach for the easy stuff which is not good for us at all . Each time you go to visit Lisa you could take the child some fresh fruit and a couple of books . Anyways that is what I would do if I were you . Good luck girl !
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